Funnies page two

Advantages to being a Woman

We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing

Our boyfriends' clothes look elfin and gorgeous on us  :)
guys look like complete idiots in ours

If we marry someone 20 years younger,
we're aware that we look like an idiot

We never regret piercing our ears.

We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls,
and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.


Sage words from Older Women
 

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then,
your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday,
along came today.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together
and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile
and it shrinks two sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "
You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address,
my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat.
You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills.
She had 14 kids, but she really doesn't care.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are:
eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast.
Are they kidding?
That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is?
The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

Thanks Deb...for sending me these.. :) 


TRUTHS FOR MATURE PEOPLE

  I think part of a best friend's job should be
to immediately clear your computer history if you die

 Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument 
when you realize you're wrong !

 I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I  was younger

There is great need for a sarcasm font

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

  Bad decisions make good stories

  You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you know that you just aren't going to do anything  productive for the rest of the day

  Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? 
I  don't want to have to restart my collection...again

   I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word
and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report 
that I swear I did not make any changes to

  I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone
just so I know not to answer when they call

   I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday night
more kisses begin with Miller Lite, than Kay

   How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile 
because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

     I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front
Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

  Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? 
Pants never get dirty, you can wear them forever

    Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times 
and still not know what time it is

     Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket,
finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - 
but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, 
in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

Thanks Keely for these :)


I'm so depressed ...
My Dr. refused to write me a prescription for Viagra.
He said it would be like putting a new flagpole
on a condemned building

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle
It makes the neighbor's dog that barks all the time
run to the end of his chain and gag himself 

If you don't care where you are,
 then you ain't lost.

100,000 sperm to choose from, and you were the fastest?

Light travels faster than sound
That's why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak

 He must have Got into the gene pool
while the lifeguard wasn't watching

The wheel's spinning
But the hamster's dead

Body by Fisher-Price :)
Brains by Mattel :(

Dumber than a box of hair

Has an IQ of 2,
But it takes 3 to grunt

Have you considered suing your brains
for nonsupport ?

You couldn't get a clue
during the clue mating season
in a field full of horny clues
if you smeared your body with clue musk
and did the clue mating dance

My Own Creation
Your as bright as a 3 watt bulb !

:British style:
He would be out of his depth
in a car park puddle

More : British style... seen on a Military officer report.. Honest
" This officer shouldn't be allowed to breed "

Used an 100 foot cord
For a 80 foot Bungie Jump

Stupidity is not a handicap!
Park elsewhere !

Don't play stupid with me - 
I'm better at it.


Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee"
when they already know you don't have any money?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor,
and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

If you shouldn't drink and drive,
why do bars have parking lots?

If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash,
why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?
George Carlin

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp"
to have an "s" in it?

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus ?
At the circus, the clowns don't talk

If only the good die young
Then what does that say about Senior Citizens?

If quitters never win
and winners never quit,
what fool came up with,

"Quit while you're ahead"?

If you don't have time to do it right,
what makes you think you've got time to do it twice?

Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible
for those who don't have to do it?

If walking is so good for you,
then why does my mailman look like Jabba the Hut ?

 How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer


A man said to his wife one day

" I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful, all at the same time."

The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you ! 


One afternoon a couple were working in their garden.

As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said, 

"Honey, your butt is getting big. I bet it is as big as the gas grill now."

The husband got a yardstick, measured the grill & then measured his wife's butt. 

"Yep, he said, "Just what I thought, just about the same size!"

The wife got very ticked off, went inside and didn't speak to her husband for the rest of the day.

That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife, and said, 

"How about it honeyHow about a little lovemaking?"

The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.

"What's the matter?" he asked. She replied, 

"You don't think I am going to fire up this big grill for one little weenie, do you?

Thank you Misty :)


The Miracle Of Toilet Paper

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror,
complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, her husband
uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

" If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds. "

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and
stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

" How long will this take ? " she asks.

" They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. " Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years ? "

Without missing a beat the husband says

" Worked for your butt, didn't  it ? "

His Therapist says with a good deal of time and attention
he may live a normal life again...

Stupid, Stupid Man....  :)
Q.  What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
  A.  The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Sometimes you're the windshield,
Sometimes you're the bug

The difference between fiction and reality?
 Fiction has to make sense.



I still miss my ex-husband,
but my aim is getting better

Few women admit their age
Fewer men act it

Marriages are made in heaven
So is thunder and lightning

Don't sweat the petty things
or pet sweaty things

A hard-on does NOT count as personal growth

I married Miss Right
I just didn't know her first name was Always
Red Skelton

I married my wife for her looks...
but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

Nice perfume. Did you marinate in it ?

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog
Wendy Liebman

Sex is not the answer
Sex is the question
Yes is the answer

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis,
and only enough blood to run one at a time
-- Robin Williams --

Men are like curling irons
They're always hot,
and they're always in your hair

Birthdays only come once a year...
Aren't you glad you're not a birthday :)

They keep saying the right person will come along, 
I think mine got hit by a truck


The male praying mantis cannot copulate
while its head is attached to its body

The female initiates sex
by ripping the male's head off


Honey, I'm home
What's for dinn....AHHHHHHH !!!!!


HOW TO KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLDER

You still have something on the ball,
but you're just too tired to bounce it

Your wife gives up sex for Lent and you don't know it till July 4

Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work

Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep

You quit trying to hold your stomach in
no matter who enters the room.

You could read better if your arms were longer

You don't care where your wife is going,
just so you don't have to go with her

Lying about your age is easier,
now that you sometimes forget what it is

Over what hill? Where? When? I don't remember any hill

I'm not 50--I'm 18 with 32 years' experience

Time may be a great healer ... but it's a lousy beautician

The young know the rules, the old know the exceptions

You know you're in trouble
when your computer has more memory than you do

Retirement:
twice as much husband,
half as much money

Seen it all,
Done it all,
Can't remember most of it

 When you fall down,
you wonder what else you can do while you're down there

You can live without sex
but not without your glasses

Your joints are more accurate meteorologists
than the national weather service

Your sweetie says,
"Let's go upstairs and make love"
and you answer,
"Pick one, I can't do both"

"Getting lucky" means
you find your car in the parking lot

Your secrets are safe with your friends
because they cant remember them either

You have a party
and the neighbors don't even realize it 

One good thing about Alzheimer's is
you get to meet new people every day.


PRAYER FOR SENILITY

God grant me the Senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into
the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference


THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3) You are Santa Claus.

4) You look like Santa Claus.

HO HO HO :)


Can't win for losing :)

 A retired gentleman went to the social security office
to apply for social security.

After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter.
The woman behind the counter asked him for
 his drivers' license to verify his age.

 He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.
He told the woman that he was very sorry
 but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.
"I will have to go home and comeback later ".

 The woman thinks a second and says, " Unbutton your shirt."
So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says,
 " That silver hair on your chest, is proof enough for me," and she
 processed his social security application.

 When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience
 at the social security office. She said,
" You should have dropped your pants and applied for disability too."


Signs you Have PMS

Everyone around you has an attitude problem.!

You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet

The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your Jeans

Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say

Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice

You're convinced there's a God and he's male

You're counting down the days until menopause

You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy

The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday


SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale

       2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove,
        he is using you to heat the family room this winter.
       Rather than just saying you are not amused
You shoot him

       3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them
and stick em to their shirts

       4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult
       gives you four hours of decent rest

       5. You're on so much Estrogen that you take your Brownie troop
       on a field trip to Chippendale's


Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One! ONLY ONE!!!!
And do you know WHY?
Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb!

They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!!
They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured
it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the
light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD
for the past 17 YEARS!

But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them
2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light
bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!

AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS
CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!!

IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE
THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!
IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS HOUSE!

I'm sorry.... What did you ask me?

Thanks Vickie for sending me this one ...LOL :)


Reported To Be Seen On A Restaurant

Guys: No Shirt, No Service...
Gals: No Shirt, No Charge :)


Politics

 A little boy goes to his dad and asks, " What is Politics ?"
 Dad says, " Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the head of the  family,
so call me The President. "

 Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her
the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.

The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.

 And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.

 " Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

 Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check
 on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

 So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother
sound  asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
and finds his Daddy in bed with the nanny.

 He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, with everyone at the breakfast table, the little boy says
to his father, " Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

 The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think
 politics is all about."

The little boy replies,
" The President is screwing the Working
Class while the Government is sound asleep.
The People are being ignored
and the Future is in deep shit."


You might be a Redneck If ....
You've been married three times
and still have the same in-laws.

You think Possum is
"The Other White Meat"

The blue book value of your truck goes up and down
depending on how much gas it has in it.


Anyone in your family died right
after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!".

You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.

You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.

People come to your door mistakenly thinking you have an auto salvage business.

The game warden knows the serial numbers to your guns by heart.

There are more than 5 animals sleeping in your bed.

When you brought your baby home, it slept in a dresser drawer.

You painted your truck camouflage and now you can't find it.

It's been a rough day

I got up this morning...
put on a shirt and
a button fell off

I picked up my briefcase
and the handle came off

I'm afraid to go to the bathroom

Rodney Dangerfield


I'm like a mosquito in a nudist camp;
I know what I should do,
but I don't know where to start! 

I'm as confused as a baby
in a topless bar

Definitions

Apartment:
A student's place to store dirty laundry for Mom

Dumb Jock:
A redundant expression

Golfer:
One who yells "fore!",
takes five
and writes down three

Karaoke:
A Japanese word meaning "tone deaf"

Modem:
A deterrent to phone solicitors

Sushi:
Food known to the rest of the world as "Bait"

Clock:
A small mechanical device
to wake up people without children

Childish game:
One at which you cannot beat your spouse

 Intaxication (n.)
Euphoria at getting a tax refund :)
which lasts until you realize
it was your money to start with !

Electronic Stud Finder
An annoying device that never goes off
when you point it at yourself

Percussive Maintenance
The fine art of whacking an electronic device
to get it to work again

My Own
 Hammer repair
When you wave a large hammer
at any malfunctioning object

and it starts working again !

it works.....honest..... just ask my computer :)

The definition of a true genius is a nudist with a memory for faces :)

Office Humor

Description of an Office Computer Nerd:
Has heard that there are two sexes but isn't certain if the rumor is true.

Memo: Effective Immediately:-
All employees will be required to take a combination of Gingko and Viagra,
so you can remember what the f*** you're doing!!

Memo:  First you pillage, then you burn.
Those who do not comply will be suspended from the Raiding Team.

Thanks Yvonne for sending me these.. :)


Answering Machine Messages

A is for academics, B is for beer.
One of those reasons is why we're not here.
So leave a message
 

Hi. I am probably home,
I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message,
and if I don't call back,
it's you


Computers

Access denied - na na na NA na !

Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (K)ill something

Hardware: the part of the computer that can be kicked
If you can only curse at it, it's software

Hit any key..... With what ?

To continue, strike keyboard with forehead

Where's the CNTRL-ALT-MAKE SENSE button?

Never let any mechanical device know  you're in a hurry

42? 7.5 million years and all you got was.........
oh, you were running Windows

HAL 9000: "Dave, put those Windows disks down..
Dave...DAVE!"

Microsoft will make something that doesn't suck
when it starts manufacturing vacuum cleaners

Software isn't released, it's allowed to escape

Unable to read User's mind: Disconnect (Y/N) ?

Bad command. Bad, BAD command. Sit! Stay!

If you can't beat your computer at Chess,
try Kick-boxing

Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity

Failure is not an option.
It comes bundled with the software

Not tonight, dear, I have a modem

Backups? We don't NEED no steenking backups

(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)gnore, (V)alium?

Error: keyboard locked -try anything you can think of

Press any key to continue... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE !

RAM disk is not an installation procedure

The computer is mightier
than the Pen,
The sword,
And usually,
the programmer

The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in

C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit

For Sale: One computer slightly used  One bullet hole in screen

Computer problems ?
Have you checked the loose nut in front of the keyboard ?

Ohnosecond
That minuscule fraction of time
in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake

My Own

Playing red light , green light

When the computer locks up for no particular good reason
when your right in the middle of something !

The faulty interface lies between
the chair and the keyboard.

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
 


CATS:

A Cat by any other name
is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.
Anything that can be clawed up is NOT nailed down!
Anything on the ground is a cat toy
Anything not there yet, will be
Everything else is a scratching post

Cat Philosophy:
Everything exists in order to be eaten,
shredded, played with, or slept on

Cats are smarter than dogs
You can't teach eight cats to pull a sled
Jeff Valdez

Do not meddle in the affairs of cats for they are subtle
and will piss on your computer

If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet,
I'll put shoes on my cat

If you want the best seat in the house,
Move the cat

The fog comes in on little cat feet
is a flat lie, unless fog is a great deal noisier than I ever expected

Letting the cat out of the bag
is a whole lot easier than putting it back in

Beware the dog.
Don't trust the cat, Either

Any pill given to a cat
has the potential energy to reach escape velocity 

If you throw a cat out of the car window, 
is that considered kitty litter?
Things Cats Must Try to Remember

  Screaming at the can of food
will not make it open itself

    If I put a live mouse in my food bowl,
I should not expect it to stay there until I get hungry

  If I bite the cactus,
it will bite back

   Television & computer screens do not exist
to back light my lovely tail

    No matter how dangly & attractive they are,
my human's earrings are not cat toys

    I am a carnivore,
Potted plants are not meat

   If my human wants to share her sandwich with me, she will give me some
She will notice if I start eating it from the other end.

    I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside

 The large dog in the backyard has lived there 6 years,
I will not freak out every time I see it

    I am a neutered male cat, not a peacock,
and prancing around with my tail fluffed up
will not make my balls grow back

   If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests,
my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach,
even if it isn't as tasty


My Own Creation written years ago for a news group
I belonged to that I just stumbled across today in some old papers :)
Jan 1992 Esta Weiss

DE-Sitting Your Human 101

Humans are basically sedentary .. they never run around the house.. leap up on counters 
or peel out around corners .. in short they don't get much exercise,
they sit around a lot, which is not good for them
Therefore to De- sit your human

Wait until they have just sat down ... before you walk up and yowl to be let out 
this forces the human up in a rapid bouncing motion
It's good for their heart rate

Move under the Human ... as they are about to sit down .. and yowl loudly when they try and sit on you
this keeps the human from sitting at all and gets their respiration up 
( and you get cuddles and treats for getting sat on .. )

If there is more than one Cat in the house ... each of you take a seating space 
to take a nap.. again preventing the slow human from sitting down at all
(yowl loudly if removed from seat ..
ya may get treat outa this one .. if they feel guilty enough :)

When the Human gets up from a chair .. take the spot
It's pre heated !

In drastic situations .. go to another room . and jump on the most poorly balanced stack of items you can find
preferably something that will make lots of noise when it falls
the human will not only De-sit .. they will even run a little

( look hurt when they run in .. or ya might get in trouble for this one )

De-sitting your Human requires a lot of time .. effort and observation on your part 
but if your not willing to keep your Pet Human in Shape
You shouldn't own one !

Regards ..
Tab the Hunter.. Mad Max .. Hercules .. Dartanyun .. and Shadow
Co-Owners of MoM :)


DOGS

Small boy, with a worried look. looking up at a Great Dane
he just got for his Birthday.....

Is he for me, or am I for him ?


Dog Property Laws

 If I like it, it's mine

 If it's in my mouth, it's mine

 If I can take it from you, it's mine

 If I had it a little while ago, it's mine

If  I'm  chewing something up, all the pieces are mine

 If it just looks like mine, it's mine

 If you are playing with something and you put it down,
it automatically becomes mine

If it's broken, it's yours


Things Dogs Must Try To Remember:

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up
when I'm lying under the coffee table

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge
and then whine because I cant reach them *

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur
BEFORE entering the house

No matter what they look like
"Kitty box crunchies"
are not dog food

I will not wake Mommy up
by sticking my cold, wet nose
where her tail would be if she had one

When in the car, I will not insist
on having the window rolled down
when it's raining outside

We do not have a doorbell
I will not bark each time I hear one on TV

My head does not belong in the refrigerator

I will not bite the nice officer's hand
when he reaches in for Dad's driver's license and car registration


 Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window!
Steve Bluestone


One day at the veterinarian's office where I take my dog
a Man was verbally sparring with the receptionist and getting a little loud

After a few moments, a technician came to her co-worker's defense

Sir...?

Do you know what happens to aggressive males in this office ???


Seen in a local paper :
Dog for sale: Eats anything
and is fond of children


My personal fave jokes are called of all things, parrot jokes
Here's a couple of em

  Jesus is watching you
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty.
He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks
when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around.
In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
 
"Yes," said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot:
"What's your name?"


"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar.
"What idiot named you Clarence?"


The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller, Jesus."


FRIGID PARROT

So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor
He can swear for 5 minutes straight without repeating himself.
Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type,
and this bird's fowl mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!"
But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you!"
and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches,
and when the guy finally lets him out,
the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din.
The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence
 he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, 

"Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. 

Then the parrot says, "By the way, pardon me for asking, but what did the chicken do?"



MAGICIAN AND THE PARROT

There was once a magician on a cruise ship who performed mainly sleight of hand tricks.
He had a regular spot on the ship's cabaret evening entertainment.

He was actually quite a good magician, but his routines were regularly ruined
by the onboard parrot who would fly around giving away his secrets like:
 
"IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE, IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE!"
or
"IT'S IN HIS POCKET, IT'S IN HIS POCKET!"
 
 That evening right at the climax of his act,
just as he was about to disappear in a puff of smoke,
the ship hit an iceberg and sank in seconds.

Amazingly, the magician and the parrot were the only two survivors.
The magician was lying on a piece of driftwood in a daze.

As he opened his eyes he could see the parrot staring at him out of its beady little eyes.
The parrot sat there for hours just staring at him and eventually said,

"OK, I give up, what did you do with the ship?"

Bad Influence Parrots.

This lady approaches her priest and tells him,
"Father, I have a problem. I have these two female parrots,
but they only know how to say one thing."

" Oh, What do they say?" inquired the priest.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes.
Do you want to have some fun?' "

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "
but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots
over to my house and I will put them with my two male parrots
who I've taught to pray and read the bible.

My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase
and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you Father!" responded the woman.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priests house.
The priest two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots
and the female parrots say,

"Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims,

"Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"


A New Home

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner?
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live
in a local house of prostitution till the cops shut it down a few mts ago.
And well, sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this,
but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room
and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said,
"New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended
but then began to laugh about the situation.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith, long time no see!"

 More ?  page three



Back to page one

or

HOME