We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing
boyfriends' clothes look elfin and gorgeous on us :)
guys look like complete idiots in ours
we marry someone 20 years younger,
we're aware that we look like an idiot
We never regret piercing our ears.
get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls,
and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then,
your body and your fat are really good friends.
when I was getting used to yesterday,
along came today.
gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together
and setting my pantyhose on fire.
You hang something in your closet for awhile
and it shrinks two sizes!
people irritate me! Especially when they say things like,
You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address,
my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat.
You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills.
She had 14 kids, but she really doesn't care.
read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are:
eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast.
Are they kidding?
That is my idea of a perfect day.
know what Victoria's Secret is?
The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
Thanks Deb...for sending me these.. :)
TRUTHS FOR MATURE PEOPLE
I think part
of a best friend's job should be
to immediately clear your computer history if you die
more than that moment during an argument
when you realize you're wrong !
I totally take
back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger
There is great need for a sarcasm font
How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
Bad decisions make good stories
know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day
Can we all
just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray?
I don't want to have to restart my collection...again
slightly terrified when I exit out of Word
and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report
that I swear I did not make any changes to
I keep some
people's phone numbers in my phone
just so I know not to answer when they call
with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday night
more kisses begin with Miller Lite, than Kay
times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile
because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
I love the
sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from
cutting in at the front
Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants?
Pants never get dirty, you can wear them forever
I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times
and still not know what time it is
ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket,
finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey -
but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away,
in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
Thanks Keely for these :)
When I'm feeling down,
I like to whistle
It makes the neighbor's dog that barks all the time
run to the end of his chain and gag himself
Light travels faster than
That's why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak
must have Got into the gene pool
while the lifeguard wasn't watching
But the hamster's dead
by Fisher-Price :)
Brains by Mattel :(
Dumber than a box of hair
an IQ of 2,
But it takes 3 to grunt
you considered suing your brains
for nonsupport ?
couldn't get a clue
during the clue mating season
in a field full of horny clues
if you smeared your body with clue musk
and did the clue mating dance
Your as bright as a 3 watt bulb !
He would be out of his depth
in a car park puddle
: British style... seen on a Military officer report.. Honest
" This officer shouldn't be allowed to breed "
an 100 foot cord
For a 80 foot Bungie Jump
Stupidity is not a handicap!
Park elsewhere !
Don't play stupid with me -
I'm better at it.
Why do banks charge you
"non-sufficient funds fee"
when they already know you don't have any money?
is lemon juice made with artificial flavor,
and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
you shouldn't drink and drive,
why do bars have parking lots?
the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged
a plane crash,
why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?
cruel idea was it for the word "lisp"
to have an "s" in it?
How is being at a singles
bar different from going to the circus ?
At the circus, the clowns don't talk
only the good die young
Then what does that say about Senior Citizens?
quitters never win
and winners never quit,
what fool came up with,
"Quit while you're ahead"?
If you don't have time
to do it right,
what makes you think you've got time to do it twice?
you ever noticed how nothing is impossible
for those who don't have to do it?
walking is so good for you,
then why does my mailman look like Jabba the Hut ?
How Are a Texas
Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
" I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful, all at the same time."
wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God
made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !
One afternoon a couple were working in their garden.
As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said,
"Honey, your butt is getting big. I bet it is as big as the gas grill now."
The husband got a yardstick, measured the grill & then measured his wife's butt.
"Yep, he said, "Just what I thought, just about the same size!"
The wife got very ticked off, went inside and didn't speak to her husband for the rest of the day.
That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife, and said,
"How about it honey? How about a little lovemaking?"
The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.
"What's the matter?" he asked. She replied,
"You don't think I am going to fire up this big grill for one little weenie, do you?
Thank you Misty :)
The Miracle Of Toilet Paper
from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror,
complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
of characteristically telling her it's not so, her husband
uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds. "
Willing to try anything,
the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and
stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
" How long will this take ? " she asks.
" They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. " Do
you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years ? "
Without missing a beat the husband says
" Worked for your butt, didn't it ? "
Therapist says with a good deal of time and attention
he may live a normal life again...
women admit their age
Fewer men act it
Marriages are made in
So is thunder and lightning
sweat the petty things
or pet sweaty things
A hard-on does NOT count as personal growth
I married Miss Right
I just didn't know her first name was Always
married my wife for her looks...
but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
Nice perfume. Did you marinate in it ?
been on so many blind dates,
I should get
a free dog
Sex is not the answer
Sex is the question
Yes is the answer
the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis,
and only enough blood to run one at a time
-- Robin Williams --
are like curling irons
They're always hot,
and they're always in your hair
only come once a year...
Aren't you glad you're not a birthday :)
They keep saying the right person will come along,
I think mine got hit by a truck
female initiates sex
by ripping the male's head off
Honey, I'm home
What's for dinn....AHHHHHHH !!!!!
HOW TO KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLDER
You still have something
on the ball,
but you're just too tired to bounce it
Your wife gives up sex for Lent and you don't know it till July 4
Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work
Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep
You quit trying to hold
your stomach in
no matter who enters the room.
You could read better if your arms were longer
You don't care where your
wife is going,
just so you don't have to go with her
Lying about your age is
now that you sometimes forget what it is
Over what hill? Where? When? I don't remember any hill
I'm not 50--I'm 18 with 32 years' experience
Time may be a great healer ... but it's a lousy beautician
The young know the rules, the old know the exceptions
know you're in trouble
when your computer has more memory than you do
twice as much husband,
half as much money
Seen it all,
Done it all,
Can't remember most of it
you fall down,
you wonder what else you can do while you're down there
can live without sex
but not without your glasses
joints are more accurate meteorologists
than the national weather service
"Let's go upstairs and make love"
and you answer,
"Pick one, I can't do both"
you find your car in the parking lot
secrets are safe with your friends
because they cant remember them either
have a party
and the neighbors don't even realize it
One good thing about Alzheimer's is
you get to meet new people every day.
grant me the Senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into
the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
HO HO HO :)
retired gentleman went to the social security office
to apply for social security.
waiting in line a long time he got to the counter.
The woman behind the counter asked him for
his drivers' license to verify his age.
looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.
He told the woman that he was very sorry
but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.
"I will have to go home and comeback later ".
woman thinks a second and says, " Unbutton your shirt."
So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says,
" That silver hair on your chest, is proof enough for me," and she
processed his social security application.
he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience
at the social security office. She said,
" You should have dropped your pants and applied for disability too."
Everyone around you has an attitude problem.!
You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your Jeans
Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say
Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice
You're convinced there's a God and he's male
You're counting down the days until menopause
You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy
The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove,
he is using you to heat the family room this winter.
Rather than just saying you are not amused
You shoot him
3. You have to write post-it notes with your
kids' names on them
and stick em to their shirts
4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult
gives you four hours of decent rest
5. You're on so much Estrogen that you take your Brownie troop
on a field trip to Chippendale's
One! ONLY ONE!!!!
And do you know WHY?
Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb!
don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!!
They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured
it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the
light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD
for the past 17 YEARS!
if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them
2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light
bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!
UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS
CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!!
A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE
THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!
IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS HOUSE!
I'm sorry.... What did you ask me?
Thanks Vickie for sending me this one
No Shirt, No Service...
Gals: No Shirt, No Charge :)
little boy goes to his dad and asks, " What
is Politics ?"
Dad says, " Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the head of the family,
so call me The President. "
mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her
the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.
The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.
" Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check
on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother
sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
and finds his Daddy in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
next morning, with everyone at the breakfast table, the little boy says
to his father, " Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think
politics is all about."
little boy replies,
" The President is screwing the Working
Class while the Government is sound asleep.
The People are being ignored
and the Future is in deep shit."
got up this morning...
put on a shirt and
a button fell off
picked up my briefcase
and the handle came off
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom
A student's place to store dirty laundry for Mom
A redundant expression
One who yells "fore!",
and writes down three
A Japanese word meaning "tone deaf"
A deterrent to phone solicitors
Food known to the rest of the world as "Bait"
A small mechanical device
to wake up people without children
One at which you cannot beat your spouse
Euphoria at getting a tax refund :)
which lasts until you realize
it was your money to start with !
Electronic Stud Finder
An annoying device that never goes off
when you point it at yourself
The fine art of whacking an electronic device
to get it to work again
When you wave a large hammer
at any malfunctioning object
and it starts working again !
it works.....honest..... just ask my computer :)
Description of an Office
Has heard that there are two sexes but isn't certain if the rumor is true.
Memo: Effective Immediately:-
All employees will be required to take a combination of Gingko and Viagra,
so you can remember what the f*** you're doing!!
you pillage, then you burn.
Those who do not comply will be suspended from the Raiding Team.
Yvonne for sending me these.. :)
is for academics, B is for beer.
One of those reasons is why we're not here.
So leave a message
I am probably home,
I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message,
and if I don't call back,
Access denied - na na na NA na !
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (K)ill something
the part of the computer that can be kicked
If you can only curse at it, it's software
Hit any key..... With what ?
To continue, strike keyboard with forehead
Where's the CNTRL-ALT-MAKE SENSE button?
Never let any mechanical device know you're in a hurry
42? 7.5 million years
and all you got was.........
oh, you were running Windows
HAL 9000: "Dave,
put those Windows disks down..
will make something that doesn't suck
when it starts manufacturing vacuum cleaners
Software isn't released, it's allowed to escape
Unable to read User's mind: Disconnect (Y/N) ?
Bad command. Bad, BAD command. Sit! Stay!
you can't beat your computer at Chess,
Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity
is not an option.
It comes bundled with the software
Not tonight, dear, I have a modem
Backups? We don't NEED no steenking backups
(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)gnore, (V)alium?
Error: keyboard locked -try anything you can think of
Press any key to continue... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE !
RAM disk is not an installation procedure
computer is mightier
than the Pen,
The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit
For Sale: One computer slightly used One bullet hole in screen
Have you checked the loose nut in front of the keyboard ?
That minuscule fraction of time
in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake
Playing red light , green light
the computer locks up for no particular good reason
when your right in the middle of something !
The faulty interface lies between
the chair and the keyboard.
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
A Cat by any other name
is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture
not nailed down is a cat toy.
Anything that can be clawed up is NOT nailed down!
Anything on the ground is a cat toy
Anything not there yet, will be
Everything else is a scratching post
Everything exists in order to be eaten,
shredded, played with, or slept on
are smarter than dogs
You can't teach eight cats to pull a sled
not meddle in the affairs of cats for they are subtle
and will piss on your computer
If I want to hear the
pitter patter of little feet,
I'll put shoes on my cat
If you want the best seat
in the house,
Move the cat
The fog comes in on little
is a flat lie, unless fog is a great deal noisier than I ever expected
Letting the cat out of
is a whole lot easier than putting it back in
Don't trust the cat, Either
Any pill given to a cat
has the potential energy to reach escape velocity
Screaming at the
can of food
will not make it open itself
I put a live mouse in my food bowl,
I should not expect it to stay there until I get hungry
If I bite the cactus,
it will bite back
Television & computer screens do not exist
to back light my lovely tail
matter how dangly & attractive they are,
my human's earrings are not cat toys
Potted plants are not meat
If my human
wants to share her sandwich with me,
she will give me some
She will notice if I start eating it from the other end.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside
The large dog in
the backyard has lived there 6 years,
I will not freak out every time I see it
a neutered male cat, not a peacock,
and prancing around with my tail fluffed up
will not make my balls grow back
If I must
give a present to my human's overnight guests,
my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach,
even if it isn't as tasty
DE-Sitting Your Human 101
Humans are basically sedentary
.. they never run around the house.. leap up on counters
or peel out around corners .. in short they don't get much exercise,
they sit around a lot, which is not good for them
Therefore to De- sit your human
Wait until they have just
sat down ... before you walk up and yowl to be let out
this forces the human up in a rapid bouncing motion
It's good for their heart rate
Move under the Human ...
as they are about to sit down .. and yowl loudly when they try and sit
this keeps the human from sitting at all and gets their respiration up
( and you get cuddles and treats for getting sat on .. )
If there is more than
one Cat in the house ... each of you take a seating space
to take a nap.. again preventing the slow human from sitting down at all
(yowl loudly if removed from seat ..
ya may get treat outa this one .. if they feel guilty enough :)
When the Human gets up
from a chair .. take the spot
It's pre heated !
In drastic situations
.. go to another room . and jump on the most poorly balanced stack of items
you can find
preferably something that will make lots of noise when it falls
the human will not only De-sit .. they will even run a little
( look hurt when they run in .. or ya might get in trouble for this one )
De-sitting your Human
requires a lot of time .. effort and observation on your part
but if your not willing to keep your Pet Human in Shape
You shouldn't own one !
Tab the Hunter.. Mad Max .. Hercules .. Dartanyun .. and Shadow
Co-Owners of MoM :)
boy, with a worried look. looking up at a Great Dane
he just got for his Birthday.....
he for me, or am I for him ?
Dog Property Laws
If I like it, it's mine
If it's in my mouth, it's mine
If I can take it from you, it's mine
If I had it a little while ago, it's mine
If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine
If it just looks like mine, it's mine
you are playing with something and you put it down,
it automatically becomes mine
If it's broken, it's yours
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff
I do not need
to suddenly stand straight up
when I'm lying under the coffee table
will not roll my toys behind the fridge
and then whine because I cant reach them *
I must shake the
rainwater out of my fur
BEFORE entering the house
No matter what they look
"Kitty box crunchies"
are not dog food
will not wake Mommy up
by sticking my cold, wet nose
where her tail would be if she had one
When in the car, I will
on having the window rolled down
when it's raining outside
We do not have
I will not bark each time I hear one on TV
My head does not belong in the refrigerator
I will not bite the nice
when he reaches in for Dad's driver's license and car registration
After a few moments, a technician came to her co-worker's defense
you know what happens to aggressive males in
this office ???
So there's this
fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor
He can swear for 5 minutes straight without repeating himself.
Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type,
and this bird's fowl mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets
to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really
hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!"
But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you!"
and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches,
and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point,
the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first
few seconds there is a terrible din.
The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet.
At first the guy
just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After
a couple of minutes of silence
he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says,
"Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded.
He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, pardon me for asking, but what did the chicken do?"
More ? page three