We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing

Our boyfriends' clothes look elfin and gorgeous on us  :)
guys look like complete idiots in ours

If we marry someone 20 years younger,
we're aware that we look like an idiot

We never regret piercing our ears.

We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls,
and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then,
your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday,
along came today.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together
and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile
and it shrinks two sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "
You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address,
my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat.
You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills.
She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are:
eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast.
Are they kidding?
That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is?
The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

Thanks Deb...for sending me these.. :)

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle
It makes the neighbor's dog that barks all the time
run to the end of his chain and gag himself

Light travels faster than sound
That's why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak

 He must have Got into the gene pool
while the lifeguard wasn't watching

The wheel's spinning
But the hamster's dead

Body by Fisher-Price :)
Brains by Mattel

Dumber than a box of hair

Has an IQ of 2,
But it takes 3 to grunt

Have you considered suing your brains
for nonsupport ?

You couldn't get a clue
during the clue mating season
in a field full of horny clues
if you smeared your body with clue musk
and did the clue mating dance

My Own Creation
Your as bright as a 3 watt bulb !

:British style:
He would be out of his depth
in a car park puddle

More : British style... seen on a Military officer report.. Honest
" This officer shouldn't be allowed to breed "

Used an 100 foot cord
For a 80 foot Bungie Jump

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee"
when they already know you don't have any money?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor,
and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

If you shouldn't drink and drive,
why do bars have parking lots?

If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged
during a plane crash,
why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?
George Carlin

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp"
to have an "s" in it?

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus ?
At the circus the clowns don't talk

If only the good die young
Then what does that say about Senior Citizens?

If quitters never win
and winners never quit,
what fool came up with,

"Quit while you're ahead"?

If you don't have time to do it right,
what makes you think you've got time to do it twice?

Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible
for those who don't have to do it?

If walking is so good for you,
then why does my mailman look like Jabba the Hut ?

 How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

" I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."

The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !

Few women admit their age
Fewer men act it

Marriages are made in heaven
So is thunder and lightning

Don't sweat the petty things
or pet sweaty things

A hard-on does NOT count as personal growth

I married Miss Right
I just didn't know her first name was Always
Red Skelton

I married my wife for her looks...
but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

Nice perfume. Did you marinate in it ?

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog
Wendy Liebman

Sex is not the answer
Sex is the question
Yes is the answer

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis,
and only enough blood to run one at a time
-- Robin Williams --

Men are like curling irons
They're always hot,
and they're always in your hair

Birthdays only come once a year...
Aren't you glad you're not a birthday :)

The female initiates sex
by ripping the male's head off

Honey, I'm home
What's for dinn....AHHHHHHH !!!!!

HOW TO KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLDER

You still have something on the ball,
but you're just too tired to bounce it

Your wife gives up sex for Lent and you don't know it till July 4

Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work

Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep

You quit trying to hold your stomach in
no matter who enters the room.

You could read better if your arms were longer

You don't care where your wife is going,
just so you don't have to go with her

Lying about your age is easier,
now that you sometimes forget what it is

Over what hill? Where? When? I don't remember any hill

I'm not 50--I'm 18 with 32 years' experience

Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician

The young know the rules, the old know the exceptions

You know you're in trouble
when your computer has more memory
than you do

Retirement:
twice as much husband,
half as much money

Seen it all,
Done it all,
Can't remember most of it

 When you fall down,
you wonder what else you can do while you're down there

You can live without sex
but not without your glasses

Your joints are more accurate meteorologists
than the national weather service

Your sweetie says,
"Let's go upstairs and make love"
and you answer,
"Pick one, I can't do both"

"Getting lucky" means
you find your car in the parking lot

Your secrets are safe with your friends
because they cant remember them either

You have a party
and the neighbors don't even realize it

God grant me the Senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into
the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference

1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3) You are Santa Claus.

4) You look like Santa Claus.

HO HO HO :)

 A retired gentleman went to the social security office
to apply for social security.

After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter.
The woman behind the counter asked him for
 his drivers' license to verify his age.

 He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.
He told the woman that he was very sorry
 but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.
"I will have to go home and comeback later ".

 The woman thinks a second and says, " Unbutton your shirt."
So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says,
 " That silver hair on your chest, is proof enough for me," and she
 processed his social security application.

 When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience
 at the social security office. She said,
" You should have dropped your pants and applied for disability too."

Everyone around you has an attitude problem.!

You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet

The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your Jeans

Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say

Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice

You're convinced there's a God and he's male

You're counting down the days until menopause

You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy

The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale

       2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove,
        he is using you to heat the family room this winter.
       Rather than just saying you are not amused
You shoot him

       3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them
and stick em to their shirts

       4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult
       gives you four hours of decent rest

       5. You're on so much Estrogen that you take your Brownie troop
       on a field trip to Chippendale's

A: One! ONLY ONE!!!!
And do you know WHY?
Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb!

They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!!
They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured
it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the
light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD
for the past 17 YEARS!

But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them
2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light
bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!

AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS
CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!!

IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE
THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!
IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS HOUSE!

I'm sorry.... What did you ask me?

Thanks Vickie for sending me this one ...LOL :)

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror,
complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, her husband
uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

" If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds. "

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and
stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

" How long will this take ? " she asks.

" They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. " Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years ? "

Without missing a beat the husband says

" Worked for your butt, didn't  it ? "

His Therapist says with a good deal of time and attention
he may live a normal life again...

Stupid, Stupid Man....  :)

Guys: No Shirt, No Service...
Gals: No Shirt, No Charge :)

 A little boy goes to his dad and asks, " What is Politics ?"
 Dad says, " Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the head of the  family,
so call me The President. "

 Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her
the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.

The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.

 And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.

 " Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

 Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check
 on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

 So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother
sound  asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
and finds his Daddy in bed with the nanny.

 He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, with everyone at the breakfast table, the little boy says
to his father, " Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

 The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think
 politics is all about."

The little boy replies,
" The President is screwing the Working
Class while the Government is sound asleep.
The People are being ignored
and the Future is in deep shit."

I got up this morning...
put on a shirt and
a button fell off

I picked up my briefcase
and the handle came off

I'm afraid to go to the bathroom

Rodney Dangerfield

Apartment:
A student's place to store dirty laundry for Mom

Dumb Jock:
A redundant expression

Golfer:
One who yells "fore!",
takes five
and writes down three

Karaoke:
A Japanese word meaning "tone deaf"

Modem:
A deterrent to phone solicitors

Sushi:
Food known to the rest of the world as "Bait"

Clock:
A small mechanical device
to wake up people without children

Childish game:
One at which you cannot beat your spouse

 Intaxication (n.)
Euphoria at getting a tax refund :)
which lasts until you realize
it was your money to start with !

Electronic Stud Finder
An annoying device that never goes off
when you point it at yourself

Percussive Maintenance
The fine art of whacking an electronic device
to get it to work again

My Own
 Hammer repair
When you wave a large hammer at  any malfunctioning object
and it starts working again !

it works.....honest..... just ask my computer :)

Description of an Office Computer Nerd:
Has heard that there are two sexes but isn't certain if the rumor is true.

Memo: Effective Immediately:-
All employees will be required to take a combination of Gingko and Viagra,
so you can remember what the f*** you're doing!!

Memo:  First you pillage, then you burn.
Those who do not comply will be suspended from the Raiding Team.

Thanks Yvonne for sending me these.. :)

A is for academics, B is for beer.
One of those reasons is why we're not here.
So leave a message
 

Hi. I am probably home,
I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message,
and if I don't call back,
it's you

Access denied - na na na NA na !

Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (K)ill something

Hardware: the part of the computer that can be kicked
If you can only curse at it, it's software

Hit any key..... With what ?

To continue, strike keyboard with forehead

Where's the CNTRL-ALT-MAKE SENSE button?

Never let any mechanical device know  you're in a hurry

42? 7.5 million years and all you got was.........
oh, you were running Windows

HAL 9000: "Dave, put those Windows disks down..
Dave...DAVE!"

Microsoft will make something that doesn't suck
when it starts manufacturing vacuum cleaners

Software isn't released, it's allowed to escape

Unable to read User's mind: Disconnect (Y/N) ?

Bad command. Bad, BAD command. Sit! Stay!

If you can't beat your computer at Chess,
try Kick-boxing

Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity

Failure is not an option.
It comes bundled with the software

Not tonight, dear, I have a modem

Backups? We don't NEED no steenking backups

(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)gnore, (V)alium?

Error: keyboard locked -try anything you can think of

Press any key to continue... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE !

RAM disk is not an installation procedure

The computer is mightier
than the Pen,
The sword,
And usually,
the programmer

The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in

C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit

For Sale: One computer slightly used  One bullet hole in screen

Computer problems ?
Have you checked the loose nut in front of the keyboard ?

Ohnosecond
That minuscule fraction of time
in which you realize that you've just made
a BIG mistake

My Own

Playing red light , green light

When the computer locks up for no particular good reason
when your right in the middle of something !

Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

A Cat by any other name
is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.
Anything that can be clawed up is NOT nailed down!
Anything on the ground is a cat toy
Anything not there yet, will be
Everything else is a scratching post

Cat Philosophy:
Everything exists in order to be eaten,
shredded, played with, or slept on

Cats are smarter than dogs
You can't teach eight cats to pull a sled
Jeff Valdez

Do not meddle in the affairs of cats for they are subtle
and will piss on your computer

If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet,
I'll put shoes on my cat

If you want the best seat in the house,
Move the cat

The fog comes in on little cat feet
is a flat lie unless fog is a great deal noisier than I ever expected

Letting the cat out of the bag
is a whole lot easier than putting it back in

Beware the dog.
Don't trust the cat, Either

Any pill given to a cat
has the potential energy to reach escape velocity

  Screaming at the can of food
will not make it open itself

    If I put a live mouse in my food bowl,
I should not expect it to stay there until I get hungry

  If I bite the cactus,
it will bite back

   Television & computer screens do not exist
to back light my lovely tail

    No matter how dangly & attractive they are,
my human's earrings are not cat toys

    I am a carnivore,
Potted plants are not meat

   If my human wants to share her sandwich with me,
she will give me some
She will notice if I start eating it from the other end.

    I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside

 The large dog in the backyard has lived there 6 years,
I will not freak out every time I see it

    I am a neutered male cat, not a peacock,
and prancing around with my tail fluffed up
will not make my balls grow back

   If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests,
my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable
than a live cockroach,
even if it isn't as tasty

DE-Sitting Your Human 101

Humans are basically sedentary .. they never run around the house.. leap up on counters ..
or peel out around corners .. in short they don't get much exercise,
they sit around a lot, which is not good for them
Therefore to De- sit your human

Wait until they have just sat down ... before you walk up and yowl to be let out ..
this forces the human up in a rapid bouncing motion ..
It's good for their heart rate

Move under the Human ... as they are about to sit down .. and yowl loudly when they try and sit on you ..
this keeps the human from sitting at all and gets their respiration up ..
( and you get cuddles and treats for getting sat on .. )

If there is more than one Cat in the house ... each of you take a seating space ..
to take a nap.. again preventing the slow human from sitting down at all ..
(yowl loudly if removed from seat ..
ya may get treat outa this one .. if they feel guilty enough :)

When the Human gets up from a chair .. take the spot ...
It's pre heated !

In drastic situations .. go to another room . and jump on the most poorly balanced stack of items you can find ..
preferably something that will make lots of noise when it falls.. the human will not only De-sit .. they will even run a little ..
( look hurt when they run in .. or ya might get in trouble for this one )

De-sitting your Human requires a lot of time .. effort and observation on your part ..
but if your not willing to keep your Pet Human in Shape
You shouldn't own one !

Regards ..
Tab the Hunter.. Mad Max .. Hercules .. Dartanyun .. and Shadow
Co-Owners of MoM :)

Small boy, with a worried look. looking up at a Great Dane
he just got for his Birthday.....

Is he for me, or am I for him ?

Dog Property Laws

 If I like it, it's mine

 If it's in my mouth, it's mine

 If I can take it from you, it's mine

 If I had it a little while ago, it's mine

If  I'm  chewing something up, all the pieces are mine

 If it just looks like mine, it's mine

 If you are playing with something and you put it down,
it automatically becomes mine

If it's broken, it's yours

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up
when I'm lying under the coffee table

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge
and then whine because I cant reach them *
Just for my Dog Alfie :)

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur
BEFORE entering the house

No matter what they look like
"Kitty box crunchies"
are not dog food

I will not wake Mommy up
by sticking my cold, wet nose
where her tail would be if she had one

When in the car, I will not insist
on having the window rolled down
when it's raining outside

We do not have a doorbell
I will not bark each time I hear one on TV

My head does not belong in the refrigerator

I will not bite the nice officer's hand
when he reaches in for Dad's driver's license
and car registration

After a few moments a technician came to her co-worker's defense

Sir...?

Do you know what happens to aggressive males in this office ???

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty.
He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks
when he heard a loud voice say:

"Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around.
In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes," said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

FRIGID PARROT

So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor
He can swear for 5 minutes straight without repeating himself.
Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type,
and this bird's fowl mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!".
But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you!"
and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out,
the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din.
The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets_very_quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence
, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry
about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.".

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, pardon me for asking,
but what did the chicken do?".

MAGICIAN AND THE PARROT

There was once a magician on a cruise ship who performed mainly sleight of hand tricks.
He had a regular spot on the ship's cabaret evening entertainment.
He was actually quite a good magician, but his routines were regularly ruined
by the onboard parrot who would fly around giving away his secrets like:
 

"IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE, IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE!"
or
"IT'S IN HIS POCKET, IT'S IN HIS POCKET!"
 

 That evening right at the climax of his act,
just as he was about to disappear in a puff of smoke,
the ship hit an iceberg and sank in seconds.

Amazingly, the magician and the parrot were the only two survivors.
The magician was lying on a piece of driftwood in a daze.
As he opened his eyes he could see the parrot staring at him out of its beady little eye.

The parrot sat there for hours just staring at him and eventually said,
"OK, I give up, what did you do with the ship?"

Bad Influence Parrots.

This lady approaches her priest and tells him,
"Father, I have a problem. I have these two female parrots,
but they only know how to say one thing."

" Oh,What do they say?" inquired the priest.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes.
Do you want to have some fun?' "

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "
but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots
over to my house and I will put them with my two male parrots
who I've taught to pray and read the bible.
My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase
and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you Father!" responded the woman.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priests house.
The priest two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots
and the female parrots say,

"Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims,

"Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner?

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live
in a local house of prostitution till the cops shut it down a few mts ago.
And  well, sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this,
but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room
and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said,
"New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended
but then began to laugh about the situation.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith, long time no see!"

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