In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans.
We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror
and you can see your rear without turning around.

Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize
that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream,
"Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."

Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves
and we're sitting on our biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think:
"For this I have stretch marks?"

In mid-life your memory starts to go.
In fact the only thing we can retain is water.

Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally --
more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.

Mid-life means that you become more reflective...You start pondering the "big" questions.
What is life?  Why am I here?
How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on
Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with
perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried
iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary
to keep a good supply near the cannon, but they had to find a way to
prevent them from rolling about the deck. The best storage method devised
was a square based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four ,resting on
nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be
stacked in a small area right next to the cannon.  There was only one  problem...how to prevent
the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others.

The solution was a metal plate called a "Monkey" with 16 round  indentations.
But, if this plate was made of iron, the iron balls quickly
would rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make " Brass
Monkeys."  Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much
faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped
too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon
balls would come right off the monkey.

Thus, it was quite literally,
" cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey."
(And all this time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn't you?)

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and game, while both
male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year,
male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually
late November to mid December.  Female reindeer retain their antlers
till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer,
every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen had to be a girl.

We should've known! Only women would be able to drag a fat man
in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night, and not get lost!

Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled
"Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into
the English language. True

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a
month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with
all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar
was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today
as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old
England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them
"Mind  your pints and quarts, and settle down."

       Which is where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's

Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked
into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill,
they used the whistle to get some service.
"Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

 In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed
to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.
Hence we have "the rule of thumb".
Bet you never would have thought of that one !

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day
she was typing and turned to a secretary and said,
" I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do? "

" Just use copier machine paper," the
secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining
 blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier

and proceeded to make five " blank" copies.

You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape.
If it doesn't  move and it should, use WD-40.
If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct  tape.

Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.
      Since she had to go to work the next day, she told him, "
I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter,
and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Doberman..
      He won't bother you. But, whatever you do,
do NOT under ANY  circumstances talk to my parrot!"

      When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next
      day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Doberman he
      had ever seen.  But just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet,
watching  the repairman go about his business.

However, the parrot drove him nuts
      the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling.
      Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and
      yelled, Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"
      To which the parrot replied,
" Get him, Spike! "

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with
one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only
"in   places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the " premises."

(Is this a great country or what?)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff?)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own
weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of...? Did the govt. pay for this research?)

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
( and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how??...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."
(well.........duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????.........)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents
if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and... I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use! ."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Black Female seeks male companionship, Ethnicity unimportant. I'm a
very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods,
riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter
nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your
hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door
when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.
Kiss me and I'm yours.
Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy.

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane
Society about an 8 week old black Labrador retriever.

" It depends," I replied. " What does it say on your shirt? "

He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...

Meaning of words, more strange but true

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be
transported by ship and it was also before commercial
fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure
were common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed
a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea)
hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process
of fermentation began again, of which a by product
is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in
bundles you can see what could ( and did ) happen.

Methane began to build up below decks and the first time
someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was
determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles
of manure were always stamped with the term
"Ship High In Transit" on them which meant for the sailors
to stow it high enough off the lower decks so
that any water that came into the hold would not touch this
volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T " , (Ship High In Transit)
which has come down through the centuries and is in use
to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use
the bubbles are always white?

Why doesn't toothpaste ever go rotten?

On electric toasters why do they engrave the message 'one slice'?
How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?

How come when you first pull the drapery cord
the drapes always move the wrong way?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner reach
down pick it up examine it then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance? "true"

How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?

Why do we wash BATH towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
If not then what was the purpose of the bath?

Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes
would they eventually just disappear?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table
you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer
when we complained about the heat?

How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?

Andy Rooney says, "As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all.
Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night  to ask,
" What are you thinking? " She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it.
She does something she wants to do. And it's usually something more interesting.

A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is,
what she wants and from whom.

Few women past the age of 40 give a damn what you might think about her
or what she's doing.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming  match with you at the opera
or in the middle of an expensive restaurant.
Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you
if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved.
They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

A woman over 40 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends

 Women over 40 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends
because she knows her friends won't betray her.

An older woman always carries a condom in her purse.
A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.

Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years.
Young women often don't wear underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease.

An older woman can wear any hat she chooses and nobody will laugh.
A younger woman wearing the same hat and will always look like a lampshade in a brothel.

Older women take charge of the situation. An older woman will call you up and ask you for a date.
A younger woman will wait forever, by the phone, for you to call.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.
They always know.

A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick.
This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40
is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one.
You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons.
 Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+,
there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself
over some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize.

ANDY ROONEY

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to
make the matter clearer, she said, " Now, class, if I stood on my head,
the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the
face.."Yes," the class said. " Then why is it that while I am standing upright
in he ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet? "

One little fellow said, " Cause your feet ain't empty  ? "
 

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible
ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock,
I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat,
" Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt! "

HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet.
So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom
and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile,
" We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher
a note from his mother. The note read,
" The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
 

POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school,
I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old.
Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked,
"Are you a cop? " " Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.
" My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right? "
" Yes, that's right," I told her.
" Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me,
" Would you please tie my shoe? "

POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment,
my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
" Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. " It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me
and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, " What'd he do? "

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter
on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, articularly the canes,
walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.
As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered,
" The tooth fairy will never believe this! "

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned,
" Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?"
" You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer
that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.
Feeling that a proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting,
then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate
prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:

" Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn ..... and into the hole he gooooes."

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
" I'm just wasting my time,"
she said to her mother
" I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk! "

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