mid-life women no longer
have upper arms, we have wingspans.
We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
is when you can
stand naked in front of a mirror
and you can see your rear without turning around.
is when you go for
a mammogram and you realize
that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.
is when you want
to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream,
"Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."
brings wisdom to
know that life throws us curves
and we're sitting on our biggest ones.
is when you look
at your-know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think:
"For this I have stretch marks?"
mid-life your memory starts
In fact the only thing we can retain is water.
means that your
Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally --
more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.
means that you become
more reflective...You start pondering the "big" questions.
What is life? Why am I here?
How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?
The most frustrating thing about getting older is
that every time you see an expensive antique,
you remember one just like it that you threw away.
She's getting crows feet around her eyes. And I'll tell you, that crow has some big feet!
Let's face it, traveling just isn't as much fun when all the historical sites are younger than you are
always corresponds inversely to the size of your multi-vitamin.
Age doesn't make your forgetful. Having too many stupid things to remember makes you forgetful.
Thought for today ...There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on
Thus, it was quite literally,
" cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey."
(And all this time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn't you?)
to make five " blank" copies.
Maryland, it is illegal
to sell condoms from vending machines with
one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only
"in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the " premises."
(Is this a great country or what?)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own
weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
drinking little bottles of...? Did the govt. pay for this research?)
a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
( and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
(The shoplifter special?)
a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how??...)
some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion.)
Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."
(well.........duh, a bit late, huh!)
Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after
(........and you thought????.........)
packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time?)
Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery
after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents
if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(...and... I'm taking this because???....)
most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what?)
a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use! ."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or
(..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
" It depends," I replied. " What does it say on your shirt? "
He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma."
they say blondes are dumb...
Meaning of words,more strange but true
the 16th and 17th centuries,
everything had to be
transported by ship and it was also before commercial
fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.
was shipped dry, because
in dry form it weighed
a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea)
hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process
of fermentation began again, of which a by product
is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in
bundles you can see what could ( and did ) happen.
began to build up
below decks and the first time
someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
ships were destroyed
in this manner before it was
determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles
of manure were always stamped with the term
"Ship High In Transit" on them which meant for the sailors
to stow it high enough off the lower decks so
that any water that came into the hold would not touch this
volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
evolved the term "S.H.I.T
" , (Ship High In Transit)
which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true history of this word.
Neither did I.
Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?
is it that no matter
what color of bubble bath you use
the bubbles are always white?
Why doesn't toothpaste ever go rotten?
electric toasters why
do they engrave the message 'one slice'?
How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?
come when you first pull
the drapery cord
the drapes always move the wrong way?
do people keep running
over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner reach
down pick it up examine it then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance? "true"
How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?
do we wash BATH towels?
Aren't we clean when we use them?
If not, then what was the purpose of the bath?
all the lint
you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes
would they eventually just disappear?
is it that whenever you
attempt to catch something that's falling off the table
you always manage to knock something else over?
winter why do we try to
keep the house as warm as it was in summer
when we complained about the heat?
How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?
Do infants enjoy
infancy as much as
adults enjoy adultery? If work is so
terrific, how come they have
to pay you to do it?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
Rooney says, "As
I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all.
Here are just a few reasons why:
woman over 40 will never
wake you in the middle of the night to ask,
" What are you thinking? " She doesn't care what you think.
a woman over 40 doesn't
want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it.
She does something she wants to do. And it's usually something more interesting.
woman over 40 knows herself
well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is,
what she wants and from whom.
women past the age of 40 give a damn what you might think about her
or what she's doing.
over 40 are dignified.
They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera
or in the middle of an expensive restaurant.
Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you
if they think they can get away with it.
women are generous
with praise, often undeserved.
They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
A woman over 40 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends
over 40 couldn't
care less if you're attracted to her friends
because she knows her friends won't betray her.
older woman always carries a condom in her purse.
A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.
women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have
from admirers over the years.
Young women often don't wear underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease.
older woman can wear any hat she chooses and nobody will laugh.
A younger woman wearing the same hat will always look like a lampshade in a brothel.
women take charge of the situation. An older woman will call you up and
ask you for a date.
A younger woman will wait forever, by the phone, for you to call.
get psychic as they
age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.
They always know.
woman over 40 looks good
wearing bright red lipstick.
This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
you get past a wrinkle
or two, a woman over 40
is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
women are forthright
and honest. They'll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting
You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
we praise women over
40 for a multitude of reasons.
Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+,
there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself
over some 22-year-old waitress.
Ladies, I apologize.
A teacher was giving a
lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to
make the matter clearer, she said, " Now, class, if I stood on my head,
the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the
face.."Yes," the class said. " Then why is it that while I am standing upright
in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet? "
One little fellow said, " Cause your feet ain't empty ? "
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible
ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock,
I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat,
" Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt! "
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet.
So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom
and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile,
" We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher
a note from his mother. The note read,
" The opinions expressed by this child, are not necessarily those of his parents."
POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school,
I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old.
Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked,
"Are you a cop? " " Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.
" My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right? "
" Yes, that's right," I told her.
" Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me,
" Would you please tie my shoe? "
POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment,
my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
" Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. " It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me
and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, " What'd he do? "
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter
on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes,
walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.
As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered,
" The tooth fairy will never believe this! "
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned,
" Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?"
" You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer
that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.
Feeling that a proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting,
then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate
prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:
" Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn ..... and into the hole he gooooes."
A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
" I'm just wasting my time,"
she said to her mother
" I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk! "