A slipping gear could let your M203
grenade launcher fire when you least
expect it. That would make you quite
unpopular in what's left of your
unit." -
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
------------------------------------------------------
- Instruction printed on US Rocket
Launcher
"Aim towards the Enemy."
------------------------------------------------------
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade
is not our friend.
- U.S. Marine Corps
------------------------------------------------------
"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very,
very accurate.
The bombs are guaranteed to always
hit the ground."
- USAF Ammo Troop
------------------------------------------------------
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal
-----------------------------------------------------
"It is generally inadvisable to eject....
Directly over the area you just bombed."
-
- U.S. Air Force Manual
------------------------------------------------------
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than
the sword obviously
Never encountered automatic weapons."
- General Macarthur
-----------------------------------------------------
"Try to look unimportant; they may
be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal
------------------------------------------------------
"You, you, and you Panic.
The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
------------------------------------------------------
"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance
- -----------------------------------------------------
"Five second fuses only last three
seconds."
- Infantry Journal
-------------------------------------------------------
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever
be the last, and
Don't ever volunteer to do anything."
- U.S. Navy Swabbie
---------------------------------------------------
"Bravery is being the only one who
knows you're afraid."
- David Hackworth
-------------------------------------------------------
"If your attack is going too well,
you're walking into an ambush."
- Infantry Journal
- --------------------------------------------------------
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed
inspection." - Joe Gay
------------------------------------------------------
"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."
------------------------------------------------------
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you
have nothing to do."
- Unknown Marine Recruit
-------------------------------------------------------
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the
people around you."
- Your Buddies
-------------------------------------------------------
"If you see a bomb technician running,
follow him."
- USAF Ammo Troop
-------------------------------------------------------
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of
Death , I Shall Fear No Evil.
For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
(At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating
base Kadena , Japan .)
-------------------------------------------------------
"You've never been lost until you've
been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
-------------------------------------------------------
"The only time you have too much fuel
is when you're on fire."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Blue water Navy truism:
There are more planes in the ocean
than submarines in the sky."
- From an old carrier sailor
------------------------------------------------------
"If the wings are traveling faster
than the fuselage,
it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore,
unsafe."
-------------------------------------------------------
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine
airplane you
Always have enough power left to get
you to the scene of the crash."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Without ammunition....
The USAF would be just another expensive
flying club."
-------------------------------------------------------
"What is the similarity between air
traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies;
If ATC screws up, . The pilot dies."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Never trade luck for skill."
-------------------------------------------------------
The three most common expressions
(or famous last words) in aviation
are:
"Why is it doing that?", "Where are
we?" And "Oh Sh...!"
------------------------------------------------------
"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with
numbers."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Progress in airline aviation:
Now a flight attendant can get a pilot
pregnant."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Airspeed, altitude and brains.
Two are always needed to successfully
complete the flight."
-------------------------------------------------------
"A smooth landing is mostly luck;
Two in a row is all luck;
Three in a row is prevarication."
-------------------------------------------------------
"I remember when sex was safe and flying
was dangerous."
---------------------------------------------------------
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation;
We never left one up there!"
-------------------------------------------------------
"Flashlights are tubular metal containers
kept in a flight bag
For the purpose of storing dead batteries."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Flying the airplane is more important
than radioing
Your plight to a person on the ground
incapable of
Understanding or doing anything about
it."
--------------------------------------------------------
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane
in the world...
It can just barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop
test pilot)
--------------------------------------------------------
"A pilot who doesn't have any fear
probably isn't...
flying his plane to its maximum."
- Jon McBride, astronaut
--------------------------------------------------------
"If you're faced with a forced landing,
fly the thing as far into the crash
as possible."
- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and
test pilot)
--------------------------------------------------------
"Never fly in the same cockpit with
someone braver than you."
-------------------------------------------------------
"There is no reason to fly through
a thunderstorm in peacetime."
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan
AFB, AZ, 1970
-------------------------------------------------------------------
"If something hasn't broken on your
helicopter, it's about to."
------------------------------------------------
Basic Flying Rules:
"Try to stay in the middle of the air.
Do not go near the edges of it.
The edges of the air can be recognized
by....
the appearance of ground, buildings,
sea, trees and interstellar
space. It is much more difficult to
fly there."
-------------------------------------------------------
"You know that your landing gear is
up and locked ...
when it takes full power to taxi to
the terminal."
--------------------------------------------------------------
As the test pilot climbs out of the
experimental aircraft,
having torn off the wings and tail
in the crash landing,
the crash truck arrives, the rescuer
sees a bloodied pilot and asks
"What happened?".
The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I
just got here myself!"
- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed
test pilot)
Thanks Michael for all the laughter
you send me
1. Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof, to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have
a 50-50 chance of getting something
right, there's a 90% probability you'll
get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all
the cars in the world end-to-end,
someone would be stupid enough to try
to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those that
wait, may be the things left by those
who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat
for a day. Teach a man to fish and he
will sit in a boat all day drinking
beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are
putting yourself in the hands of 12
people who weren't smart enough to
get out of jury duty.
#16 "You know, stop lights don't come
any redder than the
one you just went through."
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight
because they're new.
They'll stretch
after you wear them a while."
#14 "If you take your hands off the
car, I'll make your
birth certificate
a worthless document."
#13 "If you run ... you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet
per second?
Because that's
the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
#11 "You don't know how fast you were
going?
I guess that
means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift
supervisor, but I don't think it will help.
Oh, did I mention
that I'm the shift supervisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K.,
I'm warning you
not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8 "Your answer to this last question
will
determine whether you are drunk or
not.
Was Mickey Mouse
a cat or a dog?"
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen,
fair
is a place where you go to ride on
rides, eat
cotton candy and corn dogs, and step
in monkey poop."
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota.
Two more tickets
and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through a DUI test."
#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore.
We used to, but
now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
#2 "I'm glad to hear that the Chief
of Police
is a personal friend of yours.
So you know someone
who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS....
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?
You're right, we don't.. Sign here."
Thank you Michael for all the wounderful
laughs you send me :)