Funnies Page 6

From the men and women of our armed forces. Yes, they too have a sense of humor just like everybody else. :)
 

A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." -
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
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- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher "Aim towards the Enemy."
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"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. "
- U.S. Marine Corps
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"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
- USAF Ammo Troop
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"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
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"It is generally inadvisable to eject.... Directly over the area you just bombed." -
- U.S. Air Force Manual
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"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously Never encountered automatic weapons.
- General Macarthur
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"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal

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"You, you, and you Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
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"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance
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"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal
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"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and Don't ever volunteer to do anything."
- U.S. Navy Swabbie
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"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
- Infantry Journal
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"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay
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"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."
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"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Marine Recruit
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"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
- Your Buddies
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"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
- USAF Ammo Troop
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"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
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"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
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"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
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"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you Always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
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"Without ammunition.... The USAF would be just another expensive flying club."
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"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies;
If ATC screws up, The pilot dies."
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The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh Sh...!"
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"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
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"A smooth landing is mostly luck;
Two in a row is all luck;
Three in a row is prevarication."
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"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."
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"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag. For the purpose of storing dead batteries."
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"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing Your plight to a person on the ground  
who is incapable of
Understanding or doing anything about it."
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"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world... It can just barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
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"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
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"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
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Basic Flying Rules:
"Try to stay in the middle of the air.
Do not go near the edges of it.
The edges of the air can be recognized by....
the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar
space. It is much more difficult to fly there."
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"You know that your landing gear is up and locked ... when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."

Thanks Michael for all the laughter you send me


Murphy's Other Laws

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof, to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something
right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end,
someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he
will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.


These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car
videos around the country:* More weird but true :)

#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the
one you just went through."

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.
They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your
birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run ... you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?
Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going?
I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help.
Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K.,
I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "Your answer to this last question will
determine whether you are drunk or not.
Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair
is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat
cotton candy and corn dogs, and step in monkey poop."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota.
Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through a DUI test."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore.
We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that the Chief of Police is a personal friend of yours.
So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?

You're right, we don't.. Sign here."

Thank you Michael for all the wonderful laughs you send me :)



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