This one even made my mother laugh
Getting a Refund
A Lady goes into Wal-Mart and tells
the clerk she wants a refund for
the toaster she bought because it doesn't
work. The clerk
tells her that he can't give her a
refund because she bought it on special.
All of a sudden, the woman throws her
arms up in the air and starts screaming !
GRAB MY BREASTS
! GRAB MY BREASTS !
The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs
to get the store manager.
The manager comes up to the Woman and
asks, " What's wrong? "
She explains the situation with the
toaster. He tells her that he
can't give her a refund because she
bought it on special.
Once again, the woman throws her arms
up in the air
and starts screaming,"
GRAB MY BREASTS ! GRAB MY BREASTS ! "
IN shock, the store manager pleads,
"Ma'am, why are you saying that?"
In a huff, the woman says,
" BECAUSE, I
LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS
I'M GETTING SCREWED! "
Her money was refunded
A true story
UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT!!
Always wear clean underwear in public,
especially when working under your vehicle. :)
From the Northwest Florida Daily News
story of a Crestview couple who drove
their car to Walmart, only to
have their car break down in the parking
The man told his wife to carry on with
the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.
The wife returned later to see a small
group of people near
the car. On closer inspection, she
saw a pair of male legs protruding
from under the chassis. Although the
man was in shorts, his lack of
underpants turned private parts, into
glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she
dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts,
and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood
and found herself staring at her husband
who was standing idly by.
however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
WISDOM FROM GRANDPA
When a man marries a woman, they become
but the trouble
starts when they try to decide which one.
If a man has enough horse sense to treat
his wife like a thoroughbred,
she will never
turn into an old nag.
On anniversaries, the wise husband always
forgets the past -
but never the
A foolish husband says to his wife,
"Honey, you stick to the ironing, washing',
cooking', and scrubbing'.
No wife of mine
is gonna work."
Many girls like to marry a military
he can cook, sew, make beds, and is
in good health...
and he's already
used to taking orders.
Eventually you will reach a point when
you stop lying about your age
start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem
worth waiting in line for.
people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people
know " why " I look this way. I've traveled down a lot of roads in life
some of them weren't paved.
IT ! :)
When you are dissatisfied with aging
and would like to go back to your youth....
Remember having to study
Just because you have one
doesn't mean you have to act like one.
Thanks Michael for al the wonderful
stuff you make my day with :)
ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was
witchcraft ........Today, it's called Golf.
(This is a true story)
If you have children
you will probably relate to this
As ham sandwiches go, it
was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun,
crisp lettuce and plenty
of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.
The corners of my jaw aching
in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard,
picked it up with both hands
but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.
" Hold Johnny (our six-week-old
son) while I get my sandwich," she said.
I had him balanced between
my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again
for the ham sandwich when
I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.
I love mustard.
I had no napkin.
I licked it off.
It was not mustard.
No man ever put a baby down
faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding.
With a washcloth in each
hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.
Later ( after she stopped
crying from laughing so hard )
my wife said,
you know why they call that mustard " Poupon '"
Thanks Colleen :)
person off color quotes :)
lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives,
but he never
forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
( And you
didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor )
mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch "
is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation.
The other eight
Thanks Kim for
QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
1. Q: I've heard
that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart
is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise.
Everything wears out eventually.
Speeding up your
heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend
the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live
longer? Take a nap.
2. Q: Should I
cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp
logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?
Hay and corn. And what are these?
So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain? Eat chicken.
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of
daily allowance of vegetable products.
3. Q: Should I
reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at
all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they
take the water out of the fruity bits
so you get even
more of the goodness that way.
Beer is also
made out of grain. Bottoms up!
4. Q: How can
I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you
have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two
bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
5. Q: What are
some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think
of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good
6. Q: Aren't fried
foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT
LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're
permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
7. Q: Will sit-ups
help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should only
be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
8. Q: Is chocolate
bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?
HELLO .. Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!!
It's the best
feel-good food around!
9. Q: Is swimming
good for your figure?
If swimming is so good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Thanks Gina for these :)
At last, a blond male
There were two blond guys working for
the city council.
One would dig a hole, the other would
follow behind him and fill the hole in.
They worked furiously all day without
rest, one guy digging a hole,
the other guy filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their
hard work, but couldn't understand
what they were doing. So he asked the
hole digger, " I appreciate the
effort you are putting into your work,
but what's the story ? You dig a
hole and your partner follows behind
and fills it up again."
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed,
" Well, normally
we are a three-man team, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."
YOU HAVE ENTERED ANOTHER DIMENSION
A DIMENSION OF INTERNET OBSESSION
OF AN UNBRIDLED NERD RUN A MUCK.
SUBMITTED FOR YOUR APPROVAL
ONE, BILL GATES, A MAN OBSESSED
WITH THE INTERNET AND WITH
MICRODRIVEL'S SILLY New Broadcasting
HE DOESN'T REALIZE IT YET
BUT HE IS ABOUT TO ENTER OBSOLESCENCE
THERE'S A SIGNPOST UP AHEAD
THAT READS " DO NOT BRAKE FOR NERDS
BUT THIS IS NOT A TELEVISION SHOW
AND HE CANNOT ADJUST HIS SET
WHETHER HE KNOWS IT OR NOT ;
NOT EVEN 35 BILLION DOLLARS
WILL KEEP HIM FROM ENTERING.....
HIS TWILIGHT YEARS.
( WITH SPECIAL THANKS
TO ROD SERLING )
You may not know that many
non-living things have a
gender. For example:
1) Ziploc Bags -- They are
Male, because they hold
everything in, but you can
see right through them.
2) Copiers -- They are Female,
because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again.
It's an effective reproductive
device if the right buttons are pushed, but
can wreak havoc if the wrong
buttons are pushed.
3) Tire -- Male, because
it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male,
because, to get it to go
anywhere, you have to light
a fire under it and, of
course, there's the hot
5) Sponges -- Female, because
they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) Web Page -- Female, because
it's always getting hit on.
7) Subway -- Male, because
it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) Hourglass -- Female, because
over time, the weight can shift to the bottom.
9) Hammer -- Male, because
it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years,
but it's handy to have around.
10) Remote Control -- Female.
Ha! You thought it'd be
Male. But consider this
-- it gives a man pleasure, he'd
be lost without it, and
while he doesn't always know the
right buttons to push, he
are three kinds of men:
The ones that
learn by reading.
The few who learn
The rest of them
have to pee on the electric fence
and find out for themselves.
testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874. but the first helmet
was not used until 1974
That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that
their brain is also important.
bit off color for language and long, but I about died reading this ! Thanks
Kim for making my day
in a womans day, and you think you have problems ?
All methods have tricked me with their
promises of easy, painless removal - the Epilady,
the standard razor, the scissors, the
Nair, the EpilStop, and now .. ..The Wax.
My night began as any other normal weekday
night. I came home from work,
fixed dinner for my son and we played
for a while. I then had the thought
that would ring painfully in my mind
for the next couple hours:
maybe I should use that wax in my medicine
I set up my boy with a video and head
to the site of my demise, um, I mean bathroom. It was one of those cold
No melting a clump of hot wax, you
just rub the clear strips in your hand, peel them apart, press it on your
leg (or wherever)
and ignore the frantically rising crescendo
of string instruments in the background.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can
I mean, I'm not the girly-est of girls,
but I'm mechanically inclined, so maybe I can figure out how this works.
So I pull one of the thin strips out.
It's two strips facing each other, stuck together.
I'm supposed to rub it in my hand to
warm and soften the wax ( I'm guessing ).
I go one better: I pull out the
And heat the SOB to ten thousand degrees.
Cold wax, my ass.
( Oh, how that phrase will come back
to haunt me. )
I lay the strip across my thigh. I hold
the skin around it and pull. OK,
so it wasn't the best feeling in the world,
but it wasn't bad. I can do this! Hair
removal no longer eludes me!
I am Sheera, fighter of all wayward
body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire!
With my next wax strip, I move north.
After checking on the boy and verifying
that he was, in fact, becoming
one with Bear and learning all about smells,
I sneak into the bathroom for The Ultimate
Hair Fighting Championship.
I drop my panties and place one foot
on the toilet. Using the same procedure,
I then apply the wax strip across the
right side on my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina
and stretching up into the inside of
the right butt cheek. (Yeah, it was a long strip.)
I inhale deeply. I brace myself.
I'm blind! Blind from the pain! .......
Vision returning. Oh crap.
I've managed to pull off half an inch of the
Another deep breath. And RIIIP! Everything
is swirly and tie-dyed?
Do I hear crashing drums?
OK, coming back to normal again. I want
to see my trophy
- my wax covered pelt that caused me so much agony.
I want to revel in the glory that is
my triumph over body hair.
I hold the wax strip up like an Olympic
But why is there no hair on it? Why
is the wax mostly gone?
Where Could the wax go, if not on the
Slowly, I eased my head down, my foot
still perched on the toilet.
I see hair - the hair that should be
on the strip. I touch. I feel. I am touching wax.
I look to the ceiling and silently
And realize I have just begun living
my own personal version of " The Tar Baby."
I peel my fingers off the softest, most
sensitive part of my body that is now
Covered in cold wax and matted hair,
and make the next big mistake
- up until this point, you'll remember,
I've had my foot on the toilet.
I know I need to move, to do something.
So I put my foot down on the floor.
And then I hear the slamming of the
cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut. Butt ? Sealed shut.
A little voice in my head says " I hope
you don't have to poop anytime soon.
Your head just might pop off." I penguin
walk around the bathroom
trying desperately to figure out what I should
Hot water! Hot water melts wax! I'll
run the hottest water I can stand and get in - the wax should melt
and I can gently wipe it away, right?
I get in the tub - the water is slightly
hotter than is used to torture prisoners of war
or sterilize surgical equipment.
And I sit.
Now the only thing worse than having
your goodies glued together
is having them glued together and then glued
to the bottom of a tub.
In scalding hot water. Which, by the
way, does not melt the cold wax.
So now I'm stuck to the tub.
I call my friend, C, because she once
dropped out of beauty school
So surely she has some secret knowledge
or trick to get wax off skin
. It's ever so good to start a conversation
" So my Butt and vagina are stuck
to the tub."
She doesn't have a trick. She does her
best to suppress laughter.
She wants to know exactly where the
wax is on the butt.
"Are we talking cheek or hole, here?" she asks
She isn't even trying to hide the
I give her the run-down of the entire
night. She tells me to call The number on the side of the box,
but to have a good cover story for
where the wax actually is.
" You know that if we were working the help
line at XX Wax Co.
and somebody called with their entire
crack sealed shut we'd just put them on hold
then record the conversation
for everyone we know.
You're going to end up on a radio show
or the Internet if you tell them the truth.
" While we go through various solutions,
I have resorted to scraping the wax off with a razor.
Boy, nothing feels better to the girly
covering them in wax, sticking them to a tub in super hot
and THEN dry shaving the sticky wax
In the middle of the conversation (
which has inexplicably turned to Other subjects! )
I find the little, beautiful saving
grace that is the lotion provided with the wax to remove the excess.
I rub some in and start screaming "
It's working! It's working ! "
I get hearty congratulations from C and
we hang up.
I successfully remove all the wax and
notice to my dismay, that the Hair is still there.
So I shaved the damned stuff off. Hell,
I was numb by that point anyway.
And then I put the box of wax back
in my medicine cabinet. Never know when a mustache might start to come
Tonight, I attempt hair dying.
This is the transcript
of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US Naval ship and the
coast of Newfoundland, Oct 95. Radio conversation released by
the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Please divert your course
15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.
Recommend you divert your
course 15 degrees to the North,
to avoid a collision.
You will have to divert your
course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
This is the Captain of a US Navy
ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Negative. I say again, You
will have to divert your course.
THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER
US LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC
WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS,
THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS.
I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR
COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, SAY AGAIN, THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH,
OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN
TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
We are a lighthouse. Your call !
A man and a woman, who have never met before,
themselves assigned to the same sleeping
room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy
a room, the two are tired and fall asleep
he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 a.m., he leans over and gently
wakes the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would
willing to reach into the closet to get
me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replies. "just
for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!!"
"Good," she replies. "Get your own
After a moment of silence, he farted.
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having
some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent
Suddenly, the man realized that
the next day, he would need his
wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an
early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break
the silence (and LOSE), he
wrote on a piece of paper, "Please
wake me at 5:00 AM."
He left it where he knew she would
The next morning, the man woke up, only
to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see
why his wife hadn't wakened him, when
he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is
5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped
for these kinds of contests.
A husband read an article to his
wife about how many words women
use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to
be because we have to repeat
everything to men...
The husband then
turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders
up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks
him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a
box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge
bag of cotton balls and a
ball of string on the counter. She
"Sir, I thought you were looking for
some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this,
yesterday, I sent my wife to
the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with
a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers;
cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if
I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
Ways to know you are on line Way too much :)
- Tech Support calls "YOU" for help.
- Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL"
- You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your significant other
- You go into labor and you stop to type a special e-mail to let everyone know you're going to be away.
- You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.
- You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or complete sentences.
- You begin to say "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.
- When someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!"
- You know more about your FB friends' daily routines than you do your own spouses.
- You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much than the truth (on line all night)
- You smile sideways
- You look at an annoying person off-line & wish you had your ignore button handy. !!!
- You have withdrawals if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours.
- You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get on line before you have your first cup of coffee.
- You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.
- You double click your TV remote.
The more I learn about terrorism,
the more I understand the phone company
A bartender is just a pharmacist
with a limited inventory
There will always be death and taxes,
however, death doesn't get worse every year
(Just Add Coffee)
STOP REPEAT OFFENDERS!
Don't Re-elect Them.
If a woman's place is in the home
why am I always in this car!
Is reading in the bathroom
Where there's smoke
If I throw a stick
will you leave?
I don't suffer from stress.
I'M A CARRIER!
What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up!!
Stress is when you wake up screaming
and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
If you must choose between two evils,
pick the one you've never tried before.
My job is secure.
No one else wants it.
Sometimes I wish life had subtitles!
Conclusion: the place where you got tired of thinking.
Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again..
It is bad luck to be superstitious..
Women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?
funny pages five