Funnies Page 4


This one even made my mother laugh :)
Getting a Refund

A Lady goes into Wal-Mart and tells the clerk she wants a refund for
the toaster she bought because it doesn't work. The clerk
tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming !
GRAB MY BREASTS ! GRAB MY BREASTS !

The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager.
The manager comes up to the Woman and asks, " What's wrong? "
She explains the situation with the toaster. He tells her that he
can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air
and starts screaming," GRAB MY BREASTS ! GRAB MY BREASTS ! "

IN shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"

In a huff, the woman says,
" BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS
GRABBED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED! "

Her money was refunded


A true story

UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT!!

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. :)
From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this
story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Walmart, only to
have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near
the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding
from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of
underpants turned private parts, into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts,
and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood
and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however,  had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Oww !


WISDOM FROM GRANDPA

When a man marries a woman, they become one;
but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred,
she will never turn into an old nag.

On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past -
but never the present.

A foolish husband says to his wife,
"Honey, you stick to the ironing, washing', cooking', and scrubbing'.
No wife of mine is gonna work."

Many girls like to marry a military man -
he can cook, sew, make beds, and is in good health...
and he's already used to taking orders.

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age

and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people
to know " why " I look this way. I've traveled down a lot of roads in life
and some of them  weren't paved.

LOVE IT ! :)

When you are dissatisfied with aging and would like to go back to your youth....
Remember having to study Algebra. !!!

Just because you have one
doesn't mean you have to act like one.

Thanks Michael for al the wonderful stuff you make my day with :)

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was
called witchcraft ........Today, it's called Golf.


(This is a true story)
I Love Mustard

If you have children
you will probably relate to this

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun,
crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.

The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard,
picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

" Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again
for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.

I love mustard.

I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding.
With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.

Later ( after she stopped crying from laughing so hard )
my wife said,

" Now you know why they call that mustard " Poupon '"

Thanks Colleen :)



Famous person off color quotes :)

" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives,
but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush
 ( And you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor )

" My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch "
Jack Nicholson

" Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation.
The other eight are unimportant."
George Burns


Thanks Kim for sharing


  HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
 

1. Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.
Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.

2. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?

Hay and corn.  And what are these? Vegetables.
So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
 Need grain?  Eat chicken.  Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended
daily allowance of vegetable products.
 

3. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bits
so you get even more of the goodness that way.
Beer is also made out of grain.  Bottoms up!

4. Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

5. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good

6. Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it.  How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

7. Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

8. Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO .. Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!!
It's the best feel-good food around!

9. Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is so good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Thanks Gina for these :)


At last, a blond male joke!
Tree Planters

There were two blond guys working for the city council.
One would dig a hole, the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.

They worked furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole,
the other guy filling it in again.

 An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand
what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, " I appreciate the
effort you are putting into your work, but what's the story ? You dig a
hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again."

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed,
" Well, normally we are a three-man team, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."


YOU HAVE ENTERED ANOTHER DIMENSION
A DIMENSION OF INTERNET OBSESSION
OF AN UNBRIDLED NERD RUN A MUCK.

SUBMITTED FOR YOUR APPROVAL
ONE, BILL GATES, A MAN OBSESSED
WITH THE INTERNET AND WITH
MICRODRIVEL'S SILLY New Broadcasting Channel

HE DOESN'T REALIZE IT YET
BUT HE IS ABOUT TO ENTER OBSOLESCENCE
THERE'S A SIGNPOST UP AHEAD
THAT READS " DO NOT BRAKE FOR NERDS "

BUT THIS IS NOT A TELEVISION SHOW
AND HE CANNOT ADJUST HIS SET
WHETHER HE KNOWS IT OR NOT ;
NOT EVEN 35 BILLION DOLLARS
WILL KEEP HIM FROM ENTERING.....
HIS TWILIGHT YEARS.

ALAN SAWICKI
( WITH SPECIAL THANKS TO ROD SERLING )


You may not know that many non-living things have a
gender. For example:

1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold
everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again.
It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but
can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go
anywhere, you have to light a fire under it and, of
course, there's the hot air component.

5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight can shift to the bottom.

9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years,
but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control -- Female. Ha! You thought it'd be
Male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd
be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the
right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

There are three kinds of men:

The ones that learn by reading.
The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence 
and find out for themselves.

--Will Rogers

The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874. but the first helmet was not used until 1974 
That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

A bit off color for language and long, but I about died reading this ! Thanks Kim for making my day

All in a womans day, and you think you have problems ?

All methods have tricked me with their promises of easy, painless removal - the Epilady,
the standard razor, the scissors, the Nair, the EpilStop, and now .. ..The Wax.

My night began as any other normal weekday night. I came home from work,
fixed dinner for my son and we played for a while. I then had the thought
that would ring painfully in my mind for the next couple hours:

maybe I should use that wax in my medicine cabinet.

I set up my boy with a video and head to the site of my demise, um, I mean bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits.
No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the clear strips in your hand, peel them apart, press it on your leg (or wherever)
and ignore the frantically rising crescendo of string instruments in the background.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can this be?

I mean, I'm not the girly-est of girls, but I'm mechanically inclined, so maybe I can figure out how this works. You'd think.

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other, stuck together.
I'm supposed to rub it in my hand to warm and soften the wax ( I'm guessing ).
I go one better: I pull out the hair dryer!


And heat the SOB to ten thousand degrees. Cold wax, my ass.
( Oh, how that phrase will come back to haunt me. )

I lay the strip across my thigh. I hold the skin around it and pull. OK, 
so it wasn't the best feeling in the world,

but it wasn't bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!
I am Sheera, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire!

With my next wax strip, I move north.
After checking on the boy and verifying that he was, in fact, becoming 
one with Bear and learning all about smells,


I sneak into the bathroom for The Ultimate Hair Fighting Championship.
I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure,
I then apply the wax strip across the right side on my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina
and stretching up into the inside of the right butt cheek. (Yeah, it was a long strip.)

I inhale deeply. I brace myself.
RRRIIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind! Blind from the pain! ....... Vision returning. Oh crap. 
I've managed to pull off half an inch of the strip.

Another deep breath. And RIIIP! Everything is swirly and tie-dyed?
Do I hear crashing drums?


OK, coming back to normal again. I want to see my trophy 
- my wax covered pelt that caused me so much agony.

I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.
I hold the wax strip up like an Olympic gold medalist.

But why is there no hair on it? Why is the wax mostly gone?
Where Could the wax go, if not on the strip?

Slowly, I eased my head down, my foot still perched on the toilet.
I see hair - the hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I feel. I am touching wax.
I look to the ceiling and silently shout "nooooooo!!"

And realize I have just begun living my own personal version of " The Tar Baby."
I peel my fingers off the softest, most sensitive part of my body that is now
Covered in cold wax and matted hair, and make the next big mistake
- up until this point, you'll remember,
I've had my foot on the toilet.

I know I need to move, to do something. So I put my foot down on the floor.
And then I hear the slamming of the cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut. Butt ? Sealed shut.

A little voice in my head says " I hope you don't have to poop anytime soon.
Your head just might pop off." I penguin walk around the bathroom
trying desperately to figure out what I should do next.


Hot water! Hot water melts wax! I'll run the hottest water I can stand and get in - the wax should melt
and I can gently wipe it away, right? Wrong.

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than is used to torture prisoners of war
or sterilize surgical equipment.
And I sit.

Now the only thing worse than having your goodies glued together 
is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of a tub.

In scalding hot water. Which, by the way, does not melt the cold wax.
So now I'm stuck to the tub.

I call my friend, C, because she once dropped out of beauty school
So surely she has some secret knowledge or trick to get wax off skin
. It's ever so good to start a conversation with

" So my Butt and vagina are stuck to the tub."

She doesn't have a trick. She does her best to suppress laughter.
She wants to know exactly where the wax is on the butt. 
"Are we talking cheek or hole, here?" she asks

She isn't even trying to hide the giggles now.

I give her the run-down of the entire night. She tells me to call The number on the side of the box,
but to have a good cover story for where the wax actually is.

" You know that if we were working the help line at XX Wax Co.

and somebody called with their entire crack sealed shut we'd just put them on hold
then record the conversation for everyone we know.

You're going to end up on a radio show or the Internet if you tell them the truth.

" While we go through various solutions, I have resorted to scraping the wax off with a razor.
Boy, nothing feels better to the girly goodies than
covering them in wax, sticking them to a tub in super hot water

and THEN dry shaving the sticky wax off !

In the middle of the conversation ( which has inexplicably turned to Other subjects! )
I find the little, beautiful saving grace that is the lotion provided with the wax to remove the excess.
I rub some in and start screaming " It's working! It's working ! "

I get hearty congratulations from C and we hang up.

I successfully remove all the wax and notice to my dismay, that the Hair is still there.
So I shaved the damned stuff off. Hell, I was numb by that point anyway.

And then I put the box of wax back in my medicine cabinet. Never know when a mustache might start to come in.

Tonight, I attempt hair dying.



This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US Naval ship and the Canadians,
off the coast of  Newfoundland, Oct 95. Radio conversation released by  the Chief of Naval  Operations 10-10-95.

  CANADIANS:
   Please divert your course 15  degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS:
Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North,
to avoid  a collision.

CANADIANS:
Negative.
You will have to divert your  course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS:
Negative.  I say again, You  will have to divert your course.

AMERICANS:
THIS  IS THE AIRCRAFT  CARRIER US LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN  THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET,
WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE  DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT  VESSELS.
I DEMAND  THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, SAY AGAIN,  THAT'S  15 DEGREES NORTH,
OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE  THE  SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

CANADIANS:

  We are a lighthouse. Your call !


A man and a woman, who have never met before, find
themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing
a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly,
he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 a.m., he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be
willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?  I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replies. "just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

 "Wow!  That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

 "Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.


The Silent Treatment

 A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.

 Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his
wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he
wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."

He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight.  Furious, he was about to go and see
why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.


The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.


WORDS

 A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women
use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...
 
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"


CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a
ball of string on the counter. She says, confused,

"Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to
the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with
a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

Ways to know you are on line Way too much :)

The more I learn about terrorism,
the more I understand the phone company

A bartender is just a pharmacist
with a limited inventory

There will always be death and taxes,
however, death doesn't get worse every year

INSTANT HUMAN
(Just Add Coffee)

STOP REPEAT OFFENDERS!
Don't Re-elect Them.

If a woman's place is in the home
why am I always in this car!

Is reading in the bathroom
considered multi-tasking?

Where there's smoke
 there's dinner

If I throw a stick
 will you leave?

I don't suffer from stress.
I'M A CARRIER!

What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up!!

Stress is when you wake up screaming
and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

If you must choose between two evils,
pick the one you've never tried before.


My job is secure.
No one else wants it.


Sometimes I wish life had subtitles!

Conclusion: the place where you got tired of thinking.

Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again..

It is bad luck to be superstitious..

Women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?

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