Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.
(ko-myoo-ni-k ay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
Female... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE
(may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL
(ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
Thanks for the goodies Rudra
Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in their jobs.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill
out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,and then pilots review the
gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints
Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an
S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land
! very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces
a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar ! With lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last.
P: Noise coming from under instrument
panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
Thanks Ginger :)
( 2 ) No person really decides before
they grow up who they're
going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
( 1 ) Twenty-three is the best age because
you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
( 2 ) No age is good to get married
at. You got to be a fool to get married.
-- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
( 1 ) You might have to guess, based
on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
( 1 ) Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
( 1 ) Dates are for having fun, and
people should use them to get
to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
( 2 ) On the first date, they just tell
each other lies and that
usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
( 1 ) When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
( 2 ) The law says you have to be eighteen,
so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7
( 3 ) The rule goes like this: If you
kiss someone, then you
should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
( 1 ) It's better for girls to be single
but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
( 1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids
to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the ..1 Favorite is.....
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
( 1 ) Tell your wife that she looks
pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
thanks Michael :)
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
Never mess with
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights & darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown; if you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique-make mental note to do more sit ups/leg lifts.
4. Wash hair with cucumber and sage
shampoo with 43 vitamins. Use face
cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,
wide loofah, and pumice stone.
Wash hair again to make sure it is clean.
5. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint enhance conditioner. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
6. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner out of hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower.
7.Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with tilex.
8.Get out of shower. Dry body with a
towel the size of a small
country. Wrap hair in a super absorbent
towel. Return to bedroom wearing long
dressing gown and towel on head.
9. If you see husband along the way; cover up any exposed areas.
How to shower like a MAN:
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom.
3. If you see wife along the way, shake
wiener at her making the
4. Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
5. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
5. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow nose in hands and let the water rinse them off.
7. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds
in the shower. Spend majority
of time washing genitals. Wash your
butt; leaving those coarse butt hairs
stuck to the soap.
8. Wash your hair. Make a shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower .
9. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because the curtain was hanging outside the tub the whole time.
10. Admire size of wiener in mirror again.
11. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
12.Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass your wife, pull off towel, shake wiener again and make "WOO-HOO" sound.
13.Throw wet towel on the bed.
thanks to the mad scribe :)
(I just love this!)
for the fifth time, CHICKEN ! "