Funnies Page 5

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-k ay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

Thanks for the goodies Rudra


Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.

Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in their jobs.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,and then pilots review the
gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews  lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by
Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an
S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land ! very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar ! With lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

Thanks Ginger :)



HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

( 2 ) No person really decides before they grow up who they're
going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

( 1 ) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

( 2 ) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
-- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

( 1 ) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

( 1 ) Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

( 1 ) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get
to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

( 2 ) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that
usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

( 1 ) When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

( 2 ) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7

( 3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you
should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

( 1 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

( 1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the ..1 Favorite is.....

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

( 1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

thanks Michael :)



One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

Never mess with children !



How to shower like a WOMAN:

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights & darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown; if you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique-make mental note to do more sit ups/leg lifts.

4. Wash hair with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 vitamins. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
Wash hair again to make sure it is clean.

5. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint enhance conditioner. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

6. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner out of hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower.

7.Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with tilex.

8.Get out of shower. Dry body with a towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in a super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom  wearing long
dressing gown and towel on head.

9. If you see husband along the way; cover up any exposed areas.

How to shower like a  MAN:

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom.

3. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "WOO-HOO" sound.

4. Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

5. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

5. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow nose in hands and let the water rinse them off.

7. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing genitals. Wash your butt; leaving those coarse butt hairs
stuck to the soap.

8. Wash your hair. Make a shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and  get out of shower .

9. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because the curtain was hanging outside the tub the whole time.

10. Admire size of wiener in mirror again.

11. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor,  light and fan on.

12.Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass your wife, pull off towel, shake wiener again and make "WOO-HOO" sound.

13.Throw wet towel on the bed.

thanks to the mad scribe :)



THE HEARING TEST

There was an elderly gentleman who feared his wife was getting hard of hearing.

So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and told him of a simple informal test that he could give her so that he ( the doctor ) would have an idea of the severity of her problem.

"Here's what you do," said the doctor,"start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response...."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for supper?" No response. So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?" Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" Again he gets no response. So he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"

 

 (I just love this!)
 
 
 

"Jack, for the fifth time, CHICKEN ! "



A major research institution has announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. It has been named Governmentium.

This new element has one neutron, twelve assistant neutrons, seventy-five deputy neutrons and eleven assistant deputy neutrons, giving it a huge atomic mass. These particles are held together by forces called morons,which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected because it impedes every action with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes a reaction to take four days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of five years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isotopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "critical morass".

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium - an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

Acknowledgments to Kevin White, as published in the Daily Mail.


In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was still unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch My body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

thanks Gale for all the goodies you send me :)

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