Considering all the serious work and intent
this web site contains there must be a moment
to pause for the cause........to smile.....to laugh
and poke a little fun at our selves
as we tend to take this world..
ALLLLLLLL too seriously...

Check back often as I WILL be adding and changing things..
I will try to remember to add new things to the
end of groups so repeat visitors don't
have to go through em all again
unless it's just to
laugh
:)

The Two AM Monster in the Bathroom when your half asleep :)

http://www.mysmilies.com/?cat=blah&page=1
 and
http://www.sanfords.net/Spots_free_graphics/smilies_graphics_collection.htm

I'm not a bad witch - I'm a grumpy witch

Mumble, mumble, mumble ... POOF!

You say " Witch " like it's a BAD thing!?

Witches use brooms because nature abhors a vacuum

I think we met in a past life--and you were a dipstick then, too

It's hard to soar with Dragons when you work with Gargoyles

Of course I'm in a bad mood --
Someone just dropped a house on my sister !

If Karma don't knock you down soon
I will !

My body is a temple. Wanna come over for Midnight Mass ?

Will the deity who nailed the Kosmic Karmic
" KICK ME " sign to my back,
kindly remove it?

Five days a week, my body is a Temple
The other two, it's an Amusement Park

I have the body of a god....Buddha
 

C.R.O.N.E.
Creative Researcher Of New Experiences

:Pagan Standard Time:
Means

If a ritual is scheduled for 6 pm
people show up around 9 pm
and the ritual finally gets started at 10:30 pm

You Finally Know You're a Witch When:

When cleaning house you have to specify

"Where is the broom?
No, not THE broom,
Where is the one to clean the floor with ?

Friends know they can always
give you candles and incense as a gift

You ask for Halloween off, because it's a religious holiday

When watching old re-runs of Bewitched,
you find you side with Samantha's mother Endora

There are more jars of strange smelling plants in your cupboards
than there are cereal boxes

When the whole family thinks your weird
But your the first person they call on to Bless their new house :)

When your playing cards with a friend
and the cards tell you more than what they are holding in their hand :)

When the whole family thinks your weird
but have you read the cards/runes for them every chance they get :)

Whenever some one falls ill
your the one they call .... before they call the doctor

 Anything weird happens and
and you feel like a sub branch of ghost busters ...who ya gonna call ? :)

Additions from my coven memebers

Kay:

You know you're a witch when...
you forget to ground yourself,
and the lightbulbs start popping,
and your computer goes crazy when you get near it, :-).

Q: What do you say to an angry Witch?
A: Ribbit

Q--What do you get when you cross an agnostic,
an insomniac, and a dyslexic?
A--Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog

Q--What do you call a club for unattached Witches?
A--Craft singles

Q-How many Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
A-Depends on what you want to change it into

Q-Why does a witch ride on a broom?
A-Vacuum cleaners have to be plugged into the wall

Q: How can you tell if a witch is horny?
A: Check which end of the broomstick she's riding

Never summon Anything you can't banish

Do not attempt to walk more than 10 paces
while wearing
All of your ritual jewelry,
dream bags and crystals at the same time

Watch where you wave the sharp pointy items!!!!

While drunken weaving may be mistaken for ecstatic dancing,
Slurring the names of Deities however,
is generally considered bad form

10.So they'll go with any color of robe.
9.So you can cover up nicks & scratches with shoe polish.
8.It's slimming (can't have fat athames, can we?)
7.It doesn't show dirt.
6.Because finding a dropped athame in an outdoor ritual in the dark
is a test of loyalty to your faith.
4.It's so much more dignified than chartreuse.
3.Seemed like a good idea at the time.
3.Someone spilled all the paints together and that's what ended up.
2.No, no! Black is for winter rituals--use white before Labor Day!

And the #1 reason athames are black....

So that we'd have something to argue about other than how "athame" is pronounced!

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root

1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer

1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion

1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill

1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic

2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man said without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

A Pagan died and, much to her surprise,
found herself at the Pearly Gates facing St. Peter.
He walked up to her and said, "Hello, and welcome.

She stared at St. Peter in complete confusion. "Wait a minute," she said.
"I was supposed to end up in the Summerlands."

He smiled. "Ah, you must be one of our Pagan sisters. Follow me, please."

Peter gestured for her to follow him down a small path which went through the gates and down a bit to the left.
They walked for a short while, then he stepped back and gestured her forward. Looking past his hand, she saw the verdant fields and
forests of her desired Summerlands. She saw people feasting, dancing, and making merry, exactly as she expected.

While shaking her head in wonder, the Pagan happened to glance over to one side and saw a small group of people a short way
away from the edge of the Summerlands. The people in the group were watching the revelers, but not joining them.
Instead, they were screaming and weeping piteously. The Pagan looked at St. Peter. "Who are those people? St. Peter replied,

"Them? They're Fundamentalists. They're a bit surprised to see you all there,
so they stand there and carry on like that all day."

"Why? Don't they have better things to do?"

Peter leaned conspiratorially toward her.
"They don't really have a choice. They're actually in Hell.
God doesn't like being told what He thinks."

Thanks Phuridai :)

" You are the father of 2 children," the fortune teller says

HA! " That's what you think! I'm the father of 3 children!," says the man

" That's what YOU think," says the fortune teller. :)

Bumper sticker sayings..
etc. etc. etc..

Cheap, fast, good, Pick two

Do It !
It's easier to get forgiveness than permission

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark

I'm not panicking.
I'm watching you panic.
It's much more entertaining

Everyone is a damn fool for at least 5 minutes a day;
Wisdom consists of not exceeding the limit

Never try to teach a pig to sing
It wastes your time and annoys the pig

 Life is like a box of Chocolates....
Eat the Chocolate
Not the Box 

SOME DAYS IT'S JUST NOT WORTH
GNAWING THROUGH THE STRAPS

Dumb as a sack full of Hammer handles
and just as useful.

As useful as a chocolate teapot.

In my house whenever someone cant find anything
I ask if they "looked like a woman or looked like a man".

A man opens a cupboard, says I cant find it, and closes the door.

A woman opens the cupboard door, MOVES something and finds it!.

So if I ask they usually go back and look again and find it themselves!

Thanks Jorge for these :)

I don't know what your problem is,
but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce

Am I getting smart with you?
How would you know?

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.!

I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter

You!...Off my planet!

All stressed out and no one to choke
If you come any closer, I'll fart 

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity,
and I'm not sure about the former..
Albert Einstein

  Furthermore, they will probably expect
You to pay for it

  And, if they're "protecting your morals",
You'll have to pay double

"I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word
the doctor used in surgery," he answered.

" What word was that ?" asked the nurse.

" OOPS ! "

" Yeah smoking lite cigarettes is like having sex with my Ex
ya got the form
ya got the function
but somehow your just not satisfied  ! "

True Story! :)

A group of friends had been partying quite well
but despite their state of intoxication made a run to the store for cigarettes ...
They asked for them.. the clerk got them down.. they were paid for...
all this time the group had maintained decorum ..
until the clerk said

" Would you like those in a bag or are you going to carry them ? "

To which the buyer replied..

" If you put them in a bag, don't I still have to carry them ? "

Thanks for letting me use this one Luke

 Blake George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife
told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see
from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the
light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said
no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply
lock his door and an officer would be along when available.  George
said,"Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my
shed.  Well,  you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up.

Within five minutes... three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an
ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them !"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available !"

 I LOVE IT

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was
 towed into the garage. 

The front of the vehicle was in dire need of
 repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in
" Twister."

I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the
driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to
 make a sandwich.

Believe it or not.. True ! Scary anit it ?

And Onward  :)

Screw up? Of course we'll screw up.
Do what you're best at, I always say

Why be difficult ?
When with a bit of effort you can be impossible?

Yes, I know it's bad for me
but nagging me about it might be bad for you!

It's OK to laugh during sex -just don't point

I can deal with incompetents.
I can deal with assholes.
I cannot deal with incompetent assholes!

A synonym is a word you use
in place of one you can't spell.

Vegetarian: Indian word for "lousy hunter."

If he were any more stupid,
he'd have to be watered twice a week.

Lack of planning on your part
Does not constitute an Emergency on my part

Bumper sticker on Noah's Ark: "Scattered showers my ass!"

Mind Like a Steel Trap
Everything that goes in gets crushed and mangled

Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run
( he hates that )

If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one?

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved
through a suitable application of high explosives.

Heaven Doesn't Want Me ...
*
And Hells Afraid I'll Take Over !

Is there life before coffee?
Yes, but not intelligent life.

Not a morning person
Don't even begin to cover it !

Morning is there
Just to keep afternoon and evening
from bumping into each other

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice Doggie!"....
until you can find a rock

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on

I am the Imp of the Perverse
Knowing this won't help you, either

Rule #1: You can't cure stupid !

If at first you don't succeed try try again.
Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I didn't say it was your fault.
I said I was going to blame it on you

If something goes without saying
Let it!

Any twelve people who can't get themselves out of jury duty
are NOT my peers

You're allowed 1 more Piss and 1 more Whine
but you're over the limit on Moaning, Grumbling and Complaining

Is there really a difference between whining
and complaining about whining?

Everyone has a right to be stupid
Some just abuse the privilege

When NASA first started sending up astronauts,
they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem,
NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 Billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down,
underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging
from below freezing to 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil

You're only young once--
after that you need another excuse

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Welcome To Shit Creek :)
Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!

How long a minute is
depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on

If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy

I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries

Very funny, Scotty. :(
Now beam down my clothes

Who picks your clothes ? - Stevie Wonder?

Cafeteria Rules:
Shoes are required to Eat in the Cafeteria
Socks however, can eat any place they want :)

Q. What's the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune the lawn mower

 Q. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?
 A.The Location Of The Dirt Bag :)

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady,
"Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami."
She said, "We can't do that!" I told her,
" Why Not? You did it last week!"
Henny Youngman

Was that suit made to order?
Where were you at the time?

If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year,
why are there locks on the doors?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one? 

How do children know the exact WRONG moment to knock on a bedroom door?

In our house it's always buck hunting season, my checking account is always in need of a few.

If Gray hair is God's graffiti then bald must be the chalkboard!

Why isn't  the word phonetics, spelled the way it sounds?

If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they get Teflon to stick to the pan?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill themselves, Is it considered a hostage situation?

 On the driver's licenses of bald men, what do they put in the box that says "hair color" ?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why is the word "dictionary" IN the dictionary?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do, "practice"?

Four ways to get things done:
1) Do it yourself
2) Hire someone to do it
3) Forbid your kids to do it :)

4) Tell your husband hes too old to do it :)

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence,
 just try ordering' somebody else's dog around :)

I just got skylights put in my place :)
The people who live above me are furious :(

Anybody who thinks talk is cheap
 has never argued with a traffic cop!

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together
Just  yesterday you take away my license and then today
you expect me to show it to you !"

You tried to enter your password on the microwave

You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years

You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3

Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site

You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa,
but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year

You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone
to see if anyone is home

Your reason for not staying in touch with family is
because they do not have an e-mail address.

You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready
he e-mails you back "What's for dinner?"

You hear most of your jokes via e-mail
instead of in person :)

  You get an extra phone line
so you can get phone calls

Using real money, instead of credit or debit ,to make a purchase
would be a hassle and take planning

You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow

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